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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29806929">loving the stars themselves</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WillowFox/pseuds/WillowFox'>WillowFox</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Clara will be in one of the later chapters, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Fix-It: s04e08 Silence in the Library, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, Post-Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, River Song's Diary, The Doctor (Doctor Who) Needs a Hug, The Doctor finally reads River's diary, The Doctor needs a nap, Yaz and the Doctor keep running into River, Yaz finally learns how long 13 was in prison, Yaz learns to fly the tardis, but with angst in the middle, happy endings only, in case of emergencies, memory worm makes an appearance, might introduce the master and/or rose tyler later on depending on how it goes, ok no more spoilers in the tags, the platonic/romantic binary is a lie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:15:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>32,250</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29806929</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WillowFox/pseuds/WillowFox</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>you don't expect a sunset to admire you back</i>
</p><p>After Revolution of the Daleks, the Doctor is (as usual) trying to just move on and bury her issues while she shows Yaz the universe. The problem is, they keep running into River Song. And the Doctor's past is haunting her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>The Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/River Song, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>143</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>163</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. the tardis knows best</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The TARDIS doors clicked shut. Graham and Ryan, returning to their lives. The sound of the Doctor’s and Yaz’s breathing was accompanied only by the beeps and thrums of the console room. </p><p>“I could always use the TARDIS to go back, arrive an hour after you guys. Change the timeline! Then we’d have more time together.” The words came out slightly more panicked than she intended.</p><p>The Doctor felt like she was floating in a silent storm, untethered. The oncoming storm, but not focused, not directed. A whirlwind of unfinished plans and half-baked ideas, stitched together into some semblance of form. Things falling through the cracks. </p><p>“It’s okay to be sad,” said Yaz.</p><p>Things falling through the cracks, faster. Tragedies becoming reality. This was it, this was real. <i>They leave, because they should. Or they find someone else. And some of them, some of them forget me. I suppose in the end, they break my heart.</i> The silence in the room was deafening. She knew she should respond, offer some sort of comfort to Yaz, but there was that social awkwardness again. She had never been good at comforting other people at times like this. She could be great in an emergency, adrenaline racing and pieces of a plan clicking into place just in the last moment, but when things slowed down, the words didn’t come to her.</p><p>“Do you still want to go to the meringue planet?” Yaz asked, finally. </p><p>“Yes!” said the Doctor, switching on her autopilot of blocking out everything else and living in only the present moment, smile on her face and bad memories locked away - at least, as well as any nightmare could be hidden in the dark. “You really can’t eat the waiters though, even though they’re made of meringue. They get very upset.” She pulled the final lever and grinned conspiratorially at Yaz as the TARDIS flew through the vortex. “Hopefully they won’t remember me from last time.”</p><p>Yaz smiled back, but a little off. A hint of sadness. Or maybe she was just trying to be kind. “I won’t eat the waiters,” she said. “Do we need any money though? I’ve got some, but don’t know if it’d be the right currency.”</p><p>“Eh,” the Doctor looked through some compartments among the controls. She remembered looking for one of these a long time ago, when some idiot had spent it all on a computer in his brain. “This should do. Has like a million credits on it or something,” she held up a metal rectangle. </p><p>“Great, that sounds like a lot probably.”</p><p>“Should cover it, yeah.” The Doctor threw open the TARDIS doors. “Oh.” Her face fell. Why did this keep happening? First the TARDIS brought her back ten months late - presumably to prevent her from pretending that space prison hadn’t happened, but look where it had gotten her - and now this.</p><p>“Is this still Earth?” asked Yaz, peering over her shoulder.</p><p>The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS and crouched, tasting the dirt. “Yes, and-” she stood, licked her finger, and held it up in the wind. “Twenty-first century. But I don’t think this is exactly when we were a minute ago.”</p><p>“Should we try again?” Yaz asked.</p><p>The Doctor hesitated. She was always dragging them on these adventures when they didn’t end up where they meant to go. But despite her resentment toward the TARDIS for the ten months, she had a feeling this stop could be important.</p><p>“I mean, I’m not exactly hungry,” Yaz added quickly. “If you want to have a look around first, that’s okay with me.” </p><p>“Let’s have a look around!” said the Doctor, her smile excessively bright. “The TARDIS often sends me where I need to be, not necessarily where I want to be.” </p><p>Yaz grinned. “I’m sure we’ll find someone in distress.”</p><p>“That does tend to happen!” The Doctor peered into the distance at some tents. “Let’s take a look over there.” She held her sonic out to scan as they approached the tents, and looked at the readings. Worrying. She stopped walking.</p><p>“What is it?” Yaz asked.</p><p>“I think this might be an archaeological dig site. Based on the readings of ancient artifacts in the tents, and the general… archeology vibes.” She made a face.</p><p>“Is that bad?”</p><p>“Well, no, but… Just to be safe, can you give me a name? I need a name that’s not ‘The Doctor,’ just in case.” The Doctor looked down at her outfit and brushed some dirt off her sleeve. When was the last time she had washed her coat?</p><p>“Like a secret identity?” Yaz raised her eyebrows.</p><p>“Yeah, just in case anyone knows the name, The Doctor.” She reached into her pocket for her sunglasses. Maybe if she hid her eyes, she would be less recognizable. It was always her eyes that gave her away.</p><p>“You’ve never worried about that before?” It sounded like a question. The Doctor glanced at Yaz. She looked genuinely concerned.</p><p>“I may have some, um, history with some archaeologists,” said the Doctor, “from before I changed my face.” The sunglasses weren’t in her pocket. Unfortunate. </p><p>“I take it it didn’t end well,” said Yaz, regarding her like someone who had something to hide. It made the Doctor’s skin crawl. She had so many things to hide.</p><p>Several archaeologists had appeared by the tents and were starting to notice Yaz and the Doctor standing not far away. They waved. The Doctor waved back brightly, smiling past the pit of fear in her stomach. She had still been hoping she’d been wrong, but she recognized their outfits.</p><p>She turned back to Yaz, barely hiding her panic. “Yaz! Please. Just give me a name. Usually I just use ‘John Smith’ but they would definitely know it was me. I’m rubbish at coming up with fake names.” She put her sonic screwdriver back in her pocket.</p><p>“Okay, okay! Uh, how about Sonya?” </p><p>The Doctor nodded. “Perfect. I’m your sister now. Sonya Khan.” </p><p>Yaz winced. “Maybe cousins.”</p><p>“Cousin Yaz, great. Hello there!” the Doctor called to the archaeologists who were approaching them. </p><p>“Who are you?” asked one.</p><p>“I’m Sonya!” The Doctor said brightly. The archaeologists looked confused. “Uh, hang on,” the Doctor pulled the psychic paper out of her pocket and held it in their faces with enthusiasm.</p><p>“Oh, the biology specialists. Wow, that was fast.”</p><p>“Yes, we came right away,” said the Doctor. “Can you show us the problem?” She assumed there was probably a problem. There usually was.</p><p>“Yes, right this way,” said the woman. “I’m Jackie O’Donnell, and this is Ray. He’ll explain the situation to you; I’ll go ahead and let them know you’re here.”</p><p>“Ray Macdonald,” he said, leading them toward the tents. “I’m the site administrator; Jackie’s logistics.” </p><p>“I’m Sonya,” the Doctor said again. “This is my cousin, Yaz.”</p><p>“Both specialists?” he asked.</p><p>The Doctor glanced at Yaz, wondering how good she was at biology.</p><p>“I’m a student,” Yaz supplied. “Shadowing.” </p><p>“Oh nice,” said Ray. “What’s your favorite area?”</p><p>“Cellular,” said Yaz. “Mitochondria.”</p><p>“The powerhouse of the cell,” Ray laughed. </p><p>“Exactly,” said Yaz, glancing at the doctor with a facial expression that said <i>please help</i>.</p><p>“Very important, mitochondria,” the Doctor said loudly as they walked. “Did you know they have their own DNA separate from the nuclear DNA because of back when they were their own organisms that got absorbed by another single-celled organism. Rude, really; how would you feel if another organism swallowed you up whole and then you became part of that organism inside of an even bigger organism and just get passed down from generation to generation and everyone thinks you’re just a piece of a whole when in reality you were once your own organism and no one even remembers, you know?” </p><p>“Um,” said Ray.</p><p>“So what exactly happened here?” Yaz asked, stepping slightly in front of the Doctor to walk next to Ray.</p><p>“Well, we were excavating this village that burned down when it was just a few months old, and we found this opening to what appears to be a cave system of some kind, but there was some sort of life form in there and we weren’t sure what it was. It was the excavation director, Professor Song— are you alright?” He stopped and looked back at the Doctor.</p><p>The Doctor had inhaled sharply and frozen in place when he said River’s name. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of her and her brain was full of space hair and stars and <i>Hello Sweetie</i>. She’d known, somehow, that this was coming, as soon as she realized they were archaeologists. Why would the TARDIS do this to her? Was River in trouble? Of course, <i>of course</i> she would always help River. No matter how much it hurt.</p><p>“Sonya?” Yaz asked.</p><p>“Oh, yes sorry, I was just thinking about mitochondria and bats and it doesn’t matter, you were saying?” The Doctor smiled slightly wider than usual, hoping it hid the panic in her eyes.</p><p>“Yes, Professor Song thought we should really get a biologist in here to take a look. You’re an expert on identifying species, yes? Potentially discovering new species?”</p><p>“Oh yes,” said the Doctor. “I hope it’s a new species. Love discovering new life forms. New life form discoverer, that’s me. Love a life form.” She could feel herself babbling, but she was struggling to converse in a coherent way while her brain was saying <i>River, River, River is here</i>. </p><p>“What did it look like?” asked Yaz. The Doctor was grateful to Yaz for taking over the being coherent part of the conversation.</p><p>“Well, at first it looked like just some kind of cave slime,” said Ray. “But then it moved, in like, a cohesive way like something was controlling it, or like it was all part of one organism.”</p><p>“Did anyone touch it?” asked Yaz. Of course. The Doctor could count on Yaz to ask the right questions.</p><p>“No,” said Ray. “Professor Song made us practically evacuate. Said she was calling in an expert.”</p><p>“Oh,” said the Doctor, feeling an emotion she couldn’t quit identify. “Yes, she sounds smart.” That was a thing normal people said about people they didn’t know, right?</p><p>“I <i>am</i> smart,” said River, coming around the corner of a tent toward them. “Who are you?” Her hair was pulled back and she was wearing the same camouflage archeology outfit the Doctor had seen her in before. She didn’t look especially glad to see them.</p><p>“I’m Sonya and this is my cousin Yaz,” said the Doctor, carefully. Trying to control her expression and her tone of voice to be as calm as possible. Calm was normal, right? “You must be Professor Song.”</p><p>“Yes…” said River uncertainly. “I requested a specific person to come take a look at this, though.”</p><p>“Ah! Well, they sent us,” said the Doctor, smiling hopefully.</p><p>“No really, how did you even find this site?” River sounded almost angry.</p><p>“We were, well, we were in the neighborhood,” said the Doctor. She considered. Then she took a chance. “He sent us.”</p><p>River’s mouth fell open slightly. “He,” she said, her voice dangerously quiet at first but growing in volume, “sent his companions to me? What is he, too busy to come himself?”</p><p>“Well, there was uh, there was a sort of emergency,” said the Doctor, internally panicking. <i>Of course</i> River would have sent for the Doctor in this kind of situation. The TARDIS must have known about it. But she hadn’t intercepted any messages from River, which meant that whatever message River had sent could still be floating around out there, or another version of her could have received it. “I mean he’ll be fine, he’s completely fine, but he said he’d be seeing you soon anyway and that we could probably be helpful right now. We’re his friends.” She’d have to send him River’s way later. She couldn’t remember if she had seen River around this time, and she didn’t know where River was in her timeline. Was this after Manhattan? River still didn’t look convinced. She had to try something else. “Look!” She pulled out her sonic screwdriver. “I have a sonic screwdriver too. So I can help.” That wasn’t a giveaway, right? It wasn’t completely implausible that the Doctor would have a companion who also had a sonic screwdriver, was it?</p><p>River examined the screwdriver. “It’s… unusual,” she said.</p><p>“It’s homemade,” snapped the Doctor, trying not to feel hurt. “Sonic swiss army knife, really, except without the knife part.” She gave the sonic a little twirl and flipped it on and off to demonstrate its sonic-ness.</p><p>“I can see that.” River’s anger had melted away and now she just sounded disappointed. “Okay, if he thinks you can help, you can come take a look. But be careful.”</p><p>River led the Doctor and Yaz through the site, down several sets of stairs and ladders, past archaeologists carefully removing artifacts from the dirt around them, and into the mouth of a cave. Electric lanterns were set up inside, illuminating a green slime on the walls that seemed thick and well defined into tentacle shapes.</p><p>“Hmm, interesting,” said the Doctor, scanning the slime with her screwdriver. She looked at the readings. “Part machine, part organic. Probably alien. Probably not as old as the surrounding artifacts.”</p><p>“What do you think it is?” asked River. </p><p>“Not sure,” said the Doctor. “Hang on, don’t you have a sonic device?”</p><p>“Well, yes,” River pulled out her sonic trowel. “I’m surprised he mentioned that to you, since he hasn’t even seen it yet in my timeline. I got the same readings you did. So it’s great that you have a sonic screwdriver, but what I was really hoping for was the Doctor’s general knowledge.”</p><p>Yaz raised her eyebrows at the Doctor and the Doctor pretended not to notice.</p><p>“I have knowledge,” she said, slightly offended. River always teased her when they were together, but it was worse when River didn’t know who she was. “Ray said the slime moved as a cohesive unit.”</p><p>“Yes it did, when he nearly touched it,” said River.</p><p>“Did <i>you</i> touch it?” asked the Doctor. </p><p>“Of course not!” said River. “One doesn’t touch any random alien slime one finds.”</p><p>The Doctor scanned the slime again and then reached out her hand.</p><p>“Sonya!” Yaz said, alarmed, at the same time River said, “Are you for real?”</p><p>“Relax, it should be fine, at least for a moment,” said the Doctor as she touched a part of the slime. It was cold and slightly sticky. She felt a small nudging at the corner of her mind. “Hmm, telepathic,” she said.</p><p>“You’re telepathic?” River asked, sounding genuinely surprised.</p><p>“Just a little,” said the Doctor dismissively. “Not sure if I want to let slime into my mind, though.”</p><p>Suddenly all of the slime tendrils converged toward the Doctor’s hand and she yanked her hand back just in time. “I think I want to trace it back to its origin in the caves,” she said. “It wants something, and I want to find out what it wants, preferably without inviting it into my mind.”</p><p>“Okay,” said River. “Just the three of us though. I don’t want to put my crew in more danger.”</p><p>The Doctor glanced at Yaz uncertainly. She hated putting her in danger, especially on an adventure she hadn’t signed up for. But she knew Yaz well enough to know it would be extremely difficult to convince her not to come.</p><p>“I’m coming with,” said Yaz, as if she had read the Doctor’s mind. “No way are you getting rid of me. I’ll carry a lantern.”</p><p>“Okay,” the Doctor said, after a pause. “But stay away from the edges of the cave.” </p><p>Yaz nodded.</p><p>The three of them picked up lanterns, and the Doctor looked from Yaz to River uneasily. This could get messy.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. a fixed point in time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A cave expedition reveals a spoiler.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Doctor led the way through the cave, with River by her side and Yaz behind them. It wasn’t quite wide enough for the three of them to walk next to each other. The floor of the cave was damp, and the sound of their wet footsteps echoed against the walls, interspersed with ominous dripping sounds. As they moved deeper into the cave, the tendrils of slime on the walls grew thicker and more numerous, and there was a faint smell that the Doctor was struggling to place.</p>
<p>“Do you smell that?” she asked.</p>
<p>River and Yaz sniffed. “No,” said River. </p>
<p>“I don’t think so,” said Yaz. </p>
<p>“It reminds me of something but I can’t quite place it, and it’s very faint,” said the Doctor. “I’m sure it’ll come to me, though.” </p>
<p>“Are you sure it’s not like, general cave smell?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>“Not sure,” said the Doctor, wrinkling her nose. “I suppose it could be general cave smell. I haven’t been in a cave in a while, could be I don’t remember what they smell like. Or it could be a particular type of spaceship fuel. Or something else.”</p>
<p>“Well that narrows it down,” said River. </p>
<p>“What kind of spaceship fuel?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>“Hmm… if it’s spaceship fuel, I would place it in the 67th century or so,” said the Doctor. “Or maybe 92nd.”</p>
<p>“That’s very specific,” said River. The Doctor couldn’t tell if River was being sarcastic or not. Her face looked blank. She wondered if River was always like this when the Doctor wasn’t around, or if River didn’t like this version of her in particular. </p>
<p>“I don’t think it’s a timeship,” said the Doctor, carefully. “But there are some traces of artron energy.”</p>
<p>“You scanned for that?” asked River.</p>
<p>The Doctor whipped out her sonic screwdriver and scanned the air in front of them. “Yup, artron energy. Thought I smelled it.” </p>
<p>“You can smell artron energy,” said River, dubiously.</p>
<p>Oops. “Yes, I’m… Arkinsean. We have excellent sense of smell.” Nevermind the fact that Arkinseans wouldn’t actually be able to smell artron energy. That was a rare talent indeed. But hopefully River wasn’t too familiar with the details of Arkinseans. </p>
<p>“And Arkinseans have two hearts,” said River, raising an eyebrow. </p>
<p>“Of course,” said the Doctor, as if that was perfectly natural, and as if absolutely more than a handful of alien species had two hearts. “I don’t understand species who function with just one heart. No offense.” </p>
<p>“That makes sense,” said River, looking more disappointed than before. “I honestly thought you might have been another time lord.” </p>
<p>“Oi! Do I really seem like one of those stuffy old time lords!?” the Doctor asked, simultaneously hoping she was being convincing and hoping that River could see straight through her. </p>
<p>River laughed. “No, no you don’t. But you do remind me of the Doctor a bit.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, he’s not so bad,” muttered the Doctor, purposely getting distracted by something on the cave wall. “Come take a look at this,” she said. River and Yaz peered over the Doctor’s shoulders. There was some wiring mixed in with the slime, and the slime was twitching around the wires. The wire didn’t look pristine though; it was almost as if the slime was growing the wires. Or maybe the wires were growing the slime. They looked like living veins made from metal.</p>
<p>“Have you seen something like this before?” River asked.</p>
<p>“Sort of,” said the Doctor. “I think. 67th century was probably right.”</p>
<p>“So it is a spaceship?” asked Yaz. </p>
<p>“Most likely, and most likely not friendly,” said the Doctor uneasily. Then she smiled again. “Alright, time to greet the neighbors.” She held her lantern higher. There were more wires extending along the floor, with bits of slime mixed in. “Try not to step on the slimy bits,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>“Gross,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“Don’t be rude,” said the Doctor. “It can probably hear you.”</p>
<p>“Uh, sorry,” Yaz said to the slime.</p>
<p>The three of them carefully stepped around the slime, which made no move to attack them. As they got closer, their lanterns illuminated a small spaceship. The size of a pod, but a bit more sophisticated than most pods.</p>
<p>“Ah, here we are,” said the Doctor, holding her lantern up and peering through the glass of the spaceship. “Looks like there was a crash.”</p>
<p>“Maybe that’s what burned down the village,” said River.</p>
<p>“Maybe, but the spaceship hasn’t been here as long as the village has been buried,” said the Doctor. “More likely it was burning so hot that it melted the rock on the way down and got sealed in.”</p>
<p>“We would have noticed igneous rock up above though,” said River.</p>
<p>“Unless there was a landslide later that covered it up, and you had no reason to be checking for igneous rock in particular,” said the Doctor. </p>
<p>River seemed to consider that and accept it as a possibility.</p>
<p>“Sonya, are there people in there?” Yaz asked, peering through the glass beside the Doctor.</p>
<p>“Yes. Well, Suthians. Looks like they’re being held in stasis pods.”</p>
<p>River sucked in a breath. “Suthians.”</p>
<p>The Doctor glanced at her. “Yeah, not the friendliest race. Still, we should probably at least give them the option of getting out of here. And besides, if we leave them here, that slime will keep reaching out beyond the cave, looking for parts. It’s always the spaceships looking for parts. Ugh.” The Doctor swatted at the air. “Get out of my head! I <i>am</i> helping.” </p>
<p>“Is it the slime?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>“Yes, it wants me to fix the ship. I don’t need slime in my head to fix the ship.” </p>
<p>“If you fix that ship, those Suthians will get out and slaughter millions,” said River.</p>
<p>The Doctor sighed. “Maybe. Or maybe these ones are peaceful. Suthian armies usually stick together. These ones might be deserters.”</p>
<p>“You’re just like him, always seeing the best potential in every living being,” said River. The Doctor couldn’t tell from River’s tone of voice if that was a good thing or a bad thing.</p>
<p>“I do try, I try really, <i>really</i> hard,” said the Doctor. “And sometimes it’s really difficult, but we have to give them a chance. Otherwise…” She didn’t finish the thought out loud. <i>Otherwise I’m just a good Dalek</i>.</p>
<p>“Okay, so what do we do?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>“Hmm,” the Doctor scanned the ship with her sonic screwdriver. “It’s possible that if I touch it, my life force will be used to charge up the ship and bring the Suthians out of stasis.”</p>
<p>“How much energy will that take?” asked River seriously. “Will you have enough?”</p>
<p>The Doctor laughed. There was something dark in her eyes. “I have enough,” she said.</p>
<p>“Wait, but Arkinseans only live to be about fifty, right? And how old are you, forty?” asked River.</p>
<p>“Oi! I’m not that old!” said the Doctor unconvincingly. “And Arkinseans live way longer than that. Tons longer.” Why did River know so much about Arkinseans?</p>
<p>“What about me?” asked Yaz. “I’m young, and I’ve got a lifespan of like a hundred?”</p>
<p>“No,” said the Doctor sharply. “Absolutely not.”</p>
<p>River sighed. “There has got to be a better way to deal with this. We can go back out and construct some kind of energy transfer device and not use one of our <i>life forces</i> to power a <i>Suthian</i> ship.”</p>
<p>“You’re right,” said the Doctor. “Ten points to River. I can whip something up. Use energy from a car or something.” </p>
<p>“Uh, Sonya,” said Yaz uneasily. “I’m not sure how we’re going to get out of here.”</p>
<p>River and the Doctor turned to look. Behind them, the slime had formed a wall blocking their exit from the cave, and it was slowly getting closer. The Doctor turned back toward the ship and lifted her lantern. On the other side of the ship, another wall of slime. “Okay, so, plan,” said the Doctor, looking at the walls and ceiling. More slime. The only open space was where they were standing, surrounded by a slowly shrinking sphere of slime. “Uh,” she looked around frantically. “River, vortex manipulator?”</p>
<p>“I have it, but it will only take one,” she said, holding up her wrist. “It got damaged.”</p>
<p>“Let me see,” said the Doctor, unceremoniously grabbing her wrist and sonic-ing the vortex manipulator. “If I could just-” the vortex manipulator sparked. The Doctor huffed. “These things are so unreliable. Either it won’t work at all now, or maybe it will take the two of you. No way can I make it take three of us, not with this kind of time pressure. River, take Yaz.”</p>
<p>“No!” said River. “I’m not leaving one of the Doctor’s companions here to die. He’d never forgive me, and more importantly, <i>I’d</i> never forgive me. What are our other options?”</p>
<p>The Doctor glanced back at the slime, only a couple feet from them. “Well, basically, we punch through the slime here, which probably won’t work-”</p>
<p>River pulled out a blaster and shot the slime. It had no effect except to encourage the slime to speed up and encapsulate them faster. </p>
<p>“Or,” said the Doctor, “we activate the ship and either the slime stops on its own or we use the ship to blast through the slime.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” said River. “You two take the vortex manipulator and I’ll activate the ship.”</p>
<p>“No!” said the Doctor. “It would kill you. I’ll do it.”</p>
<p>“It would kill you too!” said River. “I’ve always known I was going to die young, in my line of work. I’ve had more than enough time. If I can save the Doctor’s companions-”</p>
<p>“What about me? I can still do it and I have lots of life left,” Yaz interrupted.</p>
<p>The Doctor whirled around to her. “Yaz, no, I couldn’t- I <i>could not live with myself</i> if you did that. Do you understand? I couldn’t-” the Doctor spun around again and grabbed River, who had started reaching for the spaceship behind her back. “River. You can’t do this.”</p>
<p>“Why not? Why are you telling me what to do? This is my excavation site and I’ll deal with it. And you don’t know that I’ll die.” River glared at her.</p>
<p>“The possibility is too high,” said the Doctor, shaking her head, trying to keep the panic from rising any higher than it already had. She couldn’t tell River why. She had to. She couldn’t. “We can’t risk it.”</p>
<p>“Why not!?” River asked. “Give me one good reason, or-”</p>
<p>“Because your death is a fixed point in time.” The Doctor said the words so fast, they came out as all one word.</p>
<p>“…What?” asked River, stunned. “You’ve seen my death?”</p>
<p>“River,” the Doctor took her hands. Softly, gently. “If you die here, the universe will be ripped apart. You need to take Yaz and go. I’ll be okay.” </p>
<p>River stared at the Doctor with her mouth slightly open in surprise. </p>
<p>“What about the gun?” Yaz asked. </p>
<p>“It didn’t work,” said River, not taking her eyes off the Doctor’s face.</p>
<p>“No, not as a weapon. As an energy source,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“Yaz! You are brilliant!” said the Doctor, casually reaching down and pulling out River’s gun as if she had done it a million times before, ignoring the look on River’s face. The slime was about a foot away from them as the Doctor frantically pulled apart the blaster and rearranged the wires inside, using her sonic intermittently. River and Yaz crouched down as the slime encroached around them. “This is going to take me a minute, if you two want to zap out of here,” said the Doctor. “We’re a little short on space.”</p>
<p>“No way,” said Yaz. “Either you’re solving this and getting all of us out, or none of us.”</p>
<p>The Doctor huffed. “Way to put the pressure on, then. Good thing I’m amazing under pressure. Okay, done!” she slapped the device she had constructed out of the gun onto the side of the spaceship and sparks flew. Immediately, the slime stopped advancing and began to melt downward, running toward the spaceship and slithering into the vents on the underside of the ship. Slowly, the ship powered up, and the stasis pods opened. Two small, purple figures wearing brown and green uniforms exited the stasis pods.</p>
<p>“Hello! I’m- Sonya, and these are my friends, Yaz and River,” said the Doctor, struggling for a second to remember the name Yaz had given her. “I got your ship working and hope that means you’ll be on your way now.”</p>
<p>“Hello, thank you for your assistance,” said one of the purple aliens, speaking awkwardly as if the words she was saying were new to her. “I am Marta, and this is my partner, Seeli. We were on our way to Earth to start a new life, away from the Suthians.</p>
<p>“Oh like, peaceful?” asked the Doctor. “That’s brilliant.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” said Seeli. “We’re deserters. We just want to live our lives on this planet. And we have perception filters to use.”</p>
<p>“Well then, it’s fine with me if you want to stay,” said the Doctor. “As long as there’s no violence.”</p>
<p>“We’ve left that life behind,” said Marta. “We swear it on the seventy seas.” </p>
<p>“And can you make sure your ship doesn’t like, secrete any more of this slime?” Yaz asked, eyeing some slime remnants on the walls of the cave.</p>
<p>“Yes, of course, we will decommission the ship as soon as we are settled,” said Marta.</p>
<p>“Good. And if there’s any trouble, I’ll be watching,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>“And the Doctor will too,” said River.</p>
<p>“Yes,” said the Doctor. “Also him.” </p>
<p>As they walked back out of the cave, Yaz led the way and the Doctor was grateful to be able to hang back with River. She knew this was probably the last time she would see her. She wondered if Yaz could sense it, too.</p>
<p>“You know me,” said River. “We’ve met before, haven’t we?”</p>
<p>The Doctor smiled sadly, but didn’t respond. Didn’t trust herself to respond.</p>
<p>“We’re friends,” River said again, becoming more sure of herself. “Tell me we’re friends, in the future.”</p>
<p>The Doctor walked in silence for another moment. “Your future, my past,” she said, finally. Quietly. So close to the line between danger and safety, timelines and paradoxes. </p>
<p>“Is this the last time?” River asked. </p>
<p>The Doctor looked at her, uncertain. Nervous. Did she recognize her? <i>Not those times, not one line,</i> she’d promised, all those years ago in the library. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I hope not,” she added, even softer. Barely audible. She wasn’t sure if she had said it out loud.</p>
<p>“Every time I meet the Doctor, I know him more and he knows me less,” said River. “One day he won’t know me at all. And I think it just might kill me.”</p>
<p>The Doctor shuddered involuntarily. </p>
<p>River took her hand. The Doctor let her.</p>
<p>“I don’t know what we are to one another,” River said softly. “But if today is the day I don’t know you anymore, I want you to know it was a pleasure to meet you, and I look forward to seeing you again.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” the Doctor said. Or maybe whispered, or maybe she only thought it. She let go of River’s hand as they neared the exit to the cave. She knew she wouldn’t see River again, but one day, one terrible day in a library, River would realize who she was, all these years ago.</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>“There he is!” River said, as they exited the cave. The Doctor was walking in between the tents and spinning her sonic screwdriver, smiling at her. “Hello, Sweetie,” said River. “I can’t believe you sent your companions instead of coming yourself.”</p>
<p>“What? No I didn’t,” he said. “Here I am!” he did a little twirl.</p>
<p>“Well, we sorted it out without you,” River glanced back and was surprised to see they had disappeared without a trace. “Where’d they go?”</p>
<p>“Who?” asked the Doctor.</p>
<p>“Sonya and Yaz, your companions,” said River.</p>
<p>“I don’t know anyone by those names,” said the Doctor. “Are you sure they said they were my companions?”</p>
<p>“…No, I guess they didn’t explicitly say that. They said ‘he sent us’ and I just assumed. But I mentioned you, and they went along with it, and one of them had a…” Oh, of course. They had probably come from a future version of the Doctor. Now he’d know to look out for companions named Sonya and Yaz. Hopefully not too big a dent in his timeline. </p>
<p>“Yes?” asked the Doctor, concerned.</p>
<p>“Spoilers,” said River, beaming at him. “Anyway, since all the danger’s past here, maybe we should go for a little adventure somewhere nice?”</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>Back on the TARDIS, the Doctor was standing around in the control room, fiddling with things as the TARDIS drifted through the time vortex.</p>
<p>Yaz watched her from the doorway, wearing her pajamas. </p>
<p>“Off to bed?” the Doctor asked when she finally looked up and noticed her watching.</p>
<p>Yaz nodded. “You?”</p>
<p>“Oh I have some repairs to do,” said the Doctor. “Don’t really feel in the mood for a nap. And it’s quiet here, without…”</p>
<p>“Yeah it is,” said Yaz, noticing that the Doctor hadn’t responded with one of her usual I-don’t-need-sleep excuses.</p>
<p>There was a moment of silence.</p>
<p>“Do you wanna talk?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>The Doctor didn’t respond for a moment, fiddling with some wires. Yaz was just about to give up and head to bed when the Doctor said, “About?”</p>
<p>Yaz took it as an olive branch. “How you know River?” she asked.  </p>
<p>The Doctor froze for a second, then continued working. “Not today.” </p>
<p>“That’s okay,” Yaz said, a little too quickly, like she’d been sure that would be the response. She hadn’t been sure, though. “If you want we could talk about other things. Like I could tell you about my actual sister Sonya, or when me and Ryan were in primary school, or something.”</p>
<p>The Doctor smiled slightly, but didn’t respond.</p>
<p>“We could eat custard creams,” Yaz added.</p>
<p>“Okay, I’m sold,” said the Doctor, putting down her tools. “Kitchen it is. Custard creams and tea and hearing about Yaz’s life.”</p>
<p>Yaz smiled and waited for the Doctor to lead the way to the kitchen, which she hadn’t been able to find ever since the Doctor had come back from space prison. She could tell that right now, what the Doctor needed was a friend. And Yaz needed a friend, too. It had been a long ten months.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you all for the kudos and comments so far! I have six more chapters written that are still in the editing stage, so hopefully updates will be fairly regular :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. gifts from the tardis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The TARDIS is a big fan of Yasmin Khan</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yaz talked about herself and her and Ryan in primary school for hours in the kitchen while the Doctor ate custard creams and made pot after pot of tea for them. Yaz was getting sleepy, but she pushed herself to keep going. This felt like the longest stretch of time she had ever talked with the Doctor without being interrupted by some sort of emergency or adventure. However, the Doctor had barely contributed anything to the conversation, mostly just listening, and Yaz was starting to run out of material.</p>
<p>“Can I ask a question?” Yaz said.</p>
<p>The Doctor was slowly swirling her teacup and staring into it like it contained all the answers to the universe. “Depends on the question,” she said.</p>
<p>“I was just thinking about regeneration,” said Yaz. “When you change. What’s that like?”</p>
<p>“The memories are still there,” said the Doctor, still not looking up from her tea. “But it’s like I’m a different person. So whenever I regenerate, the past me dies, and the new me is still me but different. It’s like I said when we first met - there’s a moment where you’re sure you’re going to die, but then you’re born. The me you saw earlier today was two regenerations ago. A very long time. But I still remember. And I think parts of how I am now, like my personality, are similar to his personality. But a lot of things are different, and some of that’s just because I’m older.” </p>
<p>Yaz nodded. “That makes sense.” It didn’t, but she wanted to be encouraging. So many questions before had been dismissed with ‘you wouldn’t understand’ or ‘beyond your comprehension.’ Getting an actual answer like this one was so rare and precious. She hesitated before asking her next question, but she had a theory about River and wanted to know. “Is it weird for your friends when you regenerate?”</p>
<p>“Sometimes,” said the Doctor, setting the tea cup down and fiddling with her hands on the table. “A lot of times I end up regenerating between friends. I can put it off, for a time. Or I don’t visit again after I’ve regenerated because they wouldn’t know me anymore. Sometimes my friends stick with me through a regeneration, and it’s rough for both of us, but… sometimes it’s better, to have someone.”</p>
<p>Yaz leaned forward, her hands on the table, inches from the Doctor’s. “I would stick with you,” she said, “if you regenerated. I would know it was still you, even if your personality changed.”</p>
<p>The Doctor took a deep breath. “You can’t know what it’s like,” she said softly. Or maybe darkly. It was hard for Yaz to tell. She looked up at Yaz with some kind of emotion in her eyes that Yaz couldn’t quite read. “For you though, it’s like I’m gone, I’m dead, and there’s a stranger standing there with the same memories. Different face, different body, different likes and dislikes, different personality, and you might not want to stay. And that’s okay.”</p>
<p>“No way,” said Yaz. “You’re my friend. My best friend, really. If you regenerated, I would just have to get to know you again.”</p>
<p>The Doctor smiled at her for a moment, as if she was touched by what Yaz said, but she didn’t believe her. Or maybe like Yaz had no idea what she was talking about. Yaz tried to smile back, but it hurt. She didn’t know what she could say to make the Doctor believe her. Maybe the Doctor was right though, and she couldn’t really know what it would be like until the time came.</p>
<p>The Doctor picked up her tea cup again to take a sip. She looked troubled, and far away.</p>
<p>Yaz took a sip of her tea as well, and another thought came to her. “Doctor,” she said, her brow furrowed by concern. “Since Jack broke you out of prison, do you worry about being captured again?”</p>
<p>“All the time,” the Doctor didn’t even hesitate.</p>
<p>“Is there anything we can do?” asked Yaz. “To keep you safe.”</p>
<p>The Doctor sighed. “Just keep running,” she said. “I’m good at running. You don’t need to worry.”</p>
<p>“Maybe if you showed me how to fly the TARDIS, I could help, if it ever happened again,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“Hmm,” said the Doctor. “Usually you can’t fly the TARDIS if you’re not telepathic. But she likes you. So maybe she’d let you fly her.”</p>
<p>“She likes me?” Yaz smiled, looking around at the walls of the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” said the Doctor. “Big fan.” She smiled, but she looked tired. She set down her tea and rested her head on her hands.</p>
<p>“When was the last time you slept?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>“I told you, I’m not in the mood for a nap,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>“Evading the question,” Yaz noted.</p>
<p>The Doctor shook her head. “You don’t understand. Time lords don’t sleep every day. Mostly just for regenerating and maybe after a big lunch.”</p>
<p>“Yeah but, you seem tired. And I don’t mean in a bad way. Just that, we’ve been busy lately, and I know it’s not lunch time, but there have been a lot of custard creams,” Yaz tried to reason.</p>
<p>“I’m not tired,” the Doctor said unconvincingly. “Besides, naps are boring.” </p>
<p>“Okay, so don’t sleep,” said Yaz, “but maybe just rest a bit. Read a book in bed, or something. Do you have a bedroom?”</p>
<p>The Doctor shook her head. “Not anymore.”</p>
<p>“The TARDIS got rid of it?” Yaz asked, surprised.</p>
<p>“I don’t use it anymore,” said the Doctor, in a tone that Yaz knew meant she would not elaborate.</p>
<p>“Okay, no bedroom,” said Yaz. “Any other spots on the TARDIS that are more… cozy, than the kitchen?”</p>
<p>The TARDIS made some noises, and the Doctor smiled. “The library,” she said. “I think she has a surprise for me.” The Doctor jumped up from the table with much more energy than she had displayed a moment before. She grabbed a handful of custard creams and headed into the hallway. Yaz got up and followed her.</p>
<p>When they got to the library, Yaz was amazed by the size of the room. It was so massive, she wasn’t sure she would have described it as cozy. But it was carpeted, and in the corner was a little fireplace, several padded chairs, and a purple sofa.</p>
<p>“A purple sofa! I always wanted a purple sofa!” said the Doctor, bounding over and landing on the sofa in bliss. “Just need some blankets I think, and a good book,” she said, but she didn’t make a move to get up. She looked completely wiped out.</p>
<p>Yaz looked around and saw a pile of blankets on a blue sofa she hadn’t noticed a moment before. She wasn’t sure, but suspected it had just appeared because she was looking for it. “Here you go,” she said, piling some blankets on the Doctor. “Do you want me to look for a book?”</p>
<p>The Doctor pulled the blankets up around her shoulders, but her eyes were drifting closed. Yaz felt a little smug for knowing she was right - the Doctor was exhausted.</p>
<p>“Can we have a slumber party? I’ve always wanted to do a slumber party,” mumbled the Doctor.</p>
<p>“Sure, we can have a slumber party,” said Yaz, curling up in some blankets on the blue sofa. She watched the Doctor, who appeared to be asleep. “I’ll stay right here.” After a moment, “I missed you,” very softly. There wasn’t a response at first, so she didn’t think the Doctor had heard her.</p>
<p>Then the Doctor spoke. “Yaz?” she said.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” said Yaz. But this time there wasn’t a response. The Doctor had already fallen asleep. Yaz smiled, and drifted off into a dreamless slumber.</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>When Yaz awoke some time later, the Doctor was gone, and blankets were piled on the floor. Yaz yawned and stretched, then made her way out of the library and toward the control room. She found the Doctor sitting in the doorway of the TARDIS, which was parked in outer space and facing a red nebula. The Doctor was wrapped up in one of the blankets from the library, and Yaz wished she had brought one as well.</p>
<p>“Hi,” she said, sitting next to the Doctor and looking out at space. </p>
<p>The Doctor smiled but didn’t respond.</p>
<p>“It’s beautiful,” said Yaz, after a short time had passed.</p>
<p>“It is,” said the Doctor, nodding slightly, sadly.</p>
<p>“Does this one have a name?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” said the Doctor. “River Song. I went back to when it was first formed and registered and named it myself.” </p>
<p>“Just today?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>“No, it was a long time ago,” said the Doctor. “When I was a different Doctor.” </p>
<p>Yaz nodded. “It’s a beautiful name.” She shivered involuntarily. Despite the TARDIS’s shields, it was a bit chilly in outer space.</p>
<p>“Blanket?” the Doctor asked, unwrapping her blanket and passing it to Yaz.</p>
<p>Yaz saw that the Doctor was wearing a second blanket underneath the first and laughed as she accepted the offering.</p>
<p>“I hope I didn’t wake you,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>“No,” said Yaz. “You were gone when I woke up.”</p>
<p>“Just some bad dreams,” said the Doctor. “I always come here when I have bad dreams.”</p>
<p>“Do you come here a lot?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>The Doctor shifted uncomfortably. “I’ve lived a long life,” she said. “Saved a lot of people, lost a lot of people. Lots of material for bad dreams.”</p>
<p>“Back when we first met, you said you carry those you’ve lost with you, so they’re never really gone,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“In my memories,” said the Doctor. Then, like a dark afterthought, “But you can lose your memories.”</p>
<p>“Have you?” </p>
<p>The Doctor only gazed out toward the nebula, or perhaps through it, looking at things she couldn’t see.</p>
<p>Yaz tried again. “I suppose if you’ve lived long enough, you must forget some things. I know I don’t remember things from my childhood.”</p>
<p>“It’s not that,” said the Doctor. “I’m a Time Lord. We remember things better than humans do. But we also have the ability to erase memories.”</p>
<p>“Can they be recovered?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” said the Doctor. “And anyone who would know is dead and gone now.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” said Yaz, still not sure if the Doctor herself had lost her memories, but beginning to suspect it. </p>
<p>Yaz looked out at the nebula, <i>River Song</i>, and let comfortable silence wash over them. She tried to tell herself that the Doctor would talk about it when she was ready, but she knew it was possible the Doctor would never be ready to talk about it.</p>
<p>Eventually, the Doctor spoke. “So I was thinking,” she said, “would you rather visit a rainforest planet where the birds compose and sing full-length musical pieces in harmony, or a cheese galaxy where the Rattusians have a cheese for every imaginable flavor?”</p>
<p>“<i>Every</i> flavor?” Yaz asked. “Like even bad flavors?”</p>
<p>“Yes! Truly disgusting, some of them that I tried last time I was there,” said the Doctor. “Mind you, the blanket-flavored cheese was not bad.”</p>
<p>Yaz dissolved into laughter and put her hand on the Doctor’s shoulder for balance as she got up from the floor. “Let’s go to the rainforest,” she said.</p>
<p>“Probably the wiser choice,” said the Doctor, smiling up at Yaz, the stars reflected in her eyes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>River content in the next chapter :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. in case of emergencies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor is showing Yaz her favorite places when they run into River. Again.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>surprise! I decided to combine the next two chapters into one chapter :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The rainforest planet was just as beautiful as Yaz had imagined. The Doctor had collected loose flowers along the trails as they walked through the forest, and put some of them in her hair. They reached a small circular clearing with soft green groundcover and sat on the ground together to listen to the birds sing. The Doctor was weaving together some of the flowers she had picked up. As the birds finished their latest masterpiece, the Doctor held up a flower crown made up of pink, red, and yellow flowers, and gently placed it on Yaz’s head.</p>
<p>“This is beautiful, thank you,” said Yaz. “The flowers and the birds and the rainforest.”</p>
<p>“The universe is full of so many magical things,” said the Doctor. “After this one, I think you would like the planet of Aecoria, where you can go in an underwater labyrinth of glass tunnels to see the fish - they have these really big ones that sing. Kind of like Earth’s whales, but not quite as big, and a little louder.”</p>
<p>“That sounds nice,” said Yaz. “Let’s stay for one more song, though. I love it here.”</p>
<p>The Doctor smiled and let herself fall backwards, lying on the soft green groundcover. Yaz lay down as well, her head almost touching the Doctor’s.</p>
<p>“Sometimes it’s nice to not be running,” said Yaz. </p>
<p>“I suppose,” said the Doctor, sounding very much like she did not suppose.</p>
<p>“Do you ever just watch the passage of time?” Yaz asked, feeling so relaxed and at peace like she could lie in that spot with the Doctor for hours.</p>
<p>“I’ve done a bit too much of that recently,” said the Doctor. Her tone was light, like she was trying too hard to say it casually.</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” asked Yaz, twisting slightly and propping herself up on her elbow so she could see the Doctor.</p>
<p>“I just mean when I was in space prison,” said the Doctor quickly, dismissively. “Time was all I had.”</p>
<p>“I suppose it wasn’t as bad on my end because I was able to keep busy while you were gone,” said Yaz, running her fingers through the grass between them.</p>
<p>The Doctor rolled over to mirror Yaz’s position and look into her eyes seriously. “I saw the post-its in the other TARDIS,” she said. “Thank you for looking for me. I know I told you to go on and live your life and not keep thinking of me, but…”</p>
<p>“I would never give up on you,” said Yaz. “Not ever. Not unless I actually saw your dead body with my own eyes.”</p>
<p>The Doctor smiled sadly. “That’s unlikely to happen. Not for you, at least.”</p>
<p>A thought occurred to Yaz. “I wondered why you didn’t travel back in time to us when you got out of prison, or how the TARDIS could have been so far off, but you did travel back in time, didn’t you?”</p>
<p>“I did,” said the Doctor. “In comparison, the ten months was fairly close to the mark. Still wish I could have gotten back earlier, though. I was trying to land at the same time as you all, so you- so you wouldn’t have to worry. I’m really sorry you were worried.” She was always apologizing, but it never made Yaz feel any better.</p>
<p>“So you were in prison longer than ten months,” said Yaz, not quite a question, but the question was there all the same.</p>
<p>“Just a bit,” said the Doctor. “Not too long. Much shorter than I once spent on the planet of Trenzalore.”</p>
<p>“How long were you in prison?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>“Yaz! I’m not in prison anymore, I don’t want to think about prison,” said the Doctor, sounding only a little bit annoyed. </p>
<p>“Okay, not right now,” said Yaz. “But promise me you’ll tell me some day?”</p>
<p>The Doctor tried to smile again, but she just looked sad. “I just want to start over,” she said. “I am who I am and what I do. I’m not my past, right?”</p>
<p>Yaz remembered the day they’d had that conversation. When they’d all told the Doctor that they knew who she was right now, and her past didn’t matter. “Of course,” said Yaz. “And nothing about your past is going to change who you are now or what I think about you.”</p>
<p>“You can’t possibly know,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>“I can’t know,” Yaz agreed. “But I can promise.”</p>
<p>Pain flashed across the Doctor’s face. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she muttered.</p>
<p>Yaz shook her head. “<i>I promise</i>,” she said. </p>
<p>“Even if I’ve committed genocide?” asked the Doctor.</p>
<p>“You mean with the Daleks?” asked Yaz. “It was necessary to save all the people on Earth.”</p>
<p>“That TARDIS was alive,” the Doctor whispered. “And I killed it. I should have found another way.”</p>
<p>“Why does it have to be your fault?” asked Yaz. “Any of us could have been the one to find another way. You just did your best. And that’s all any of us can do. Being a good person, it’s about always caring about other people and always trying your best.” She was sure of this.</p>
<p>The Doctor took a deep breath and sat up all the way. “Do you want to go to Aecoria?” she asked, changing the subject abruptly.</p>
<p>“Yes,” said Yaz, also sitting up. Deciding to let it go, to let that pain fade from the Doctor’s face and let them just be two friends on an adventure across the galaxies again. “I’d love to see it.” </p>
<p>—</p>
<p>Yaz didn’t bring up any more serious topics as the Doctor chattered away about Aecoria and all the different types of fish they would see. When they made it back to the TARDIS, the Doctor reached for the controls, but Yaz grabbed her hand, impulsively, before she realized what she was doing. “Will you show me how to fly the TARDIS?” she asked, pushing through as if this physical contact was normal. “Even just a little bit.”</p>
<p>The Doctor looked down at their hands, and Yaz let go, feeling awkward. Maybe she’d overstepped. The TARDIS made some encouraging sounds.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said the Doctor, turning toward the controls. She glanced back at Yaz suddenly, with a very serious expression on her face. “Her name is Sexy.”</p>
<p>Yaz raised her eyebrows but didn’t comment.</p>
<p>“We had a conversation about it,” said the Doctor. “Her consciousness got transferred into this person, once, and we had a little bit to talk before I returned her to the TARDIS.”</p>
<p>“Doesn’t she still talk to you now, telepathically?” </p>
<p>“Sort of,” said the Doctor. “It’s not exactly language, but more like feelings with the occasional word or two thrown in. She really likes you. Normally I wouldn’t let anyone fly my TARDIS - except River, who already knew how, somehow - but it feels like she <i>wants</i> you to learn to pilot her.”</p>
<p>“Thank you, Sexy,” Yaz said loudly toward the walls, refraining with great difficulty from making a comment on the fact that River could apparently fly the TARDIS. The TARDIS chimed in response. The Doctor looked embarrassed. </p>
<p>As the Doctor explained what the different buttons and levers did and how to type coordinates into the typewriter attached to the console, Yaz struggled to keep up. She understood some of the more basic functions, but it was especially hard because all of the readings on the screens were in Gallifreyan, and the TARDIS wasn’t translating it for her.</p>
<p>“How come the TARDIS doesn’t translate Gallifreyan?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>“Security feature,” said the Doctor. “Since you only need to be able to pilot her in an emergency, you should be okay without being able to read any of it.” </p>
<p>“What if I need to know if the outside conditions are habitable for humans?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>“Hmm, good point,” the Doctor fiddled with some controls. “There. Now some of the instructions are in English. But only if you’re piloting. It shouldn’t work for anyone else.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” said Yaz. “Okay, now walk me through flying to Aecoria.”</p>
<p>“Yes! Aecoria. Great planet. Now keep in mind, it’s not exactly like you’re telling the TARDIS where to go. It’s more like negotiating. But since she likes you, she’s more likely to go where you want her to go.”</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>It took Yaz six tries to pilot the TARDIS to Aecoria, but she finally got the hang of it. Maybe. Either that, or the TARDIS was just being kind.</p>
<p>“Oh! One more thing,” said the Doctor. “In an emergency, you can open this panel here-” she opened a panel to reveal some sticky-looking white ridges. “And put your fingers in for the telepathic circuit. Then you focus on a memory or a person and the TARDIS can figure out where you’re next going to intersect in your timelines and take you there. So if we ever got separated, probably this would be the easiest way to find me.”</p>
<p>Yaz laughed. “Why didn’t you start with that?”</p>
<p>“I… forgot it was there,” said the Doctor. “The last person who used it…” her eyes unfocused and she seemed to be lost in her memories.</p>
<p>“Doctor?” asked Yaz, but she didn’t respond. “Hey,” Yaz tried again, gently touching the Doctor’s arm.</p>
<p>The Doctor snapped back to the present. “Yes. Right. Aecoria. Big fish time.” She stepped away slightly.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” said Yaz. “I know you’re not really a touchy-feely person.”</p>
<p>A series of expressions passed across the Doctor’s face. “Am I? It changes every time…” the Doctor seemed to seriously consider the question for a moment, then she beamed at Yaz. “I don’t mind if it’s you,” she said, and she grabbed Yaz’s hand and pulled her out the door.</p>
<p>— </p>
<p>Aecoria was exactly as the Doctor had described. There was a network of glass tunnels beneath the ocean, with fish on all sides. Yaz had expected the Doctor to start telling her about every single species of fish, but she had gone strangely quiet. They were still holding hands as they walked through the tunnels.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” asked Yaz. </p>
<p>“I didn’t remember until we came here,” said the Doctor. “But the last time I was here, it was with River.”</p>
<p>“You must have been really good friends,” said Yaz, hoping to encourage the Doctor to elaborate.</p>
<p>“We were,” said the Doctor. “But I can’t remember exactly when we were here.” She let go of Yaz’s hand to rummage in her coat pockets for her sonic screwdriver. After a quick scan of the area, she looked at the readings and made a face.</p>
<p>“What is it?” asked Yaz. </p>
<p>“I’m here,” said the Doctor. “With River. I shouldn’t have parked the TARDIS so out in the open. We’ll have to repark it and come back at a different time.”</p>
<p>However, when they turned to go back to the TARDIS, River was walking directly toward them. She had space hair and was wearing a red and gold dress. And she looked annoyed.</p>
<p>“What are you doing here!?” she half-whispered to them. “The Doctor is here and I’m sure you’re companions from his future. You’re going to mess up the timeline.” </p>
<p>“Right, total accident,” said the Doctor. “We were just on our way out. Where is he?”</p>
<p>“Right around the bend,” River indicated behind her.</p>
<p>“That’s the only way back to the TARDIS,” said Yaz, alarmed. </p>
<p>“Okay, how about you distract him, lead him that way,” the Doctor pointed to another tunnel, “and then Yaz and I will go back to our TARDIS and leave.”</p>
<p>River crossed her arms and glared at the Doctor.</p>
<p>“What?” asked the Doctor.</p>
<p>“<i>Your</i> TARDIS,” she repeated.</p>
<p>“River, we have to hurry before he sees us,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>River rolled her eyes. “Relax, I left him at the information desk. He’ll be telling people about the fish for at least an hour before he notices I’m missing.”</p>
<p>“Then why did you say-”</p>
<p>“How are you here with the TARDIS without the Doctor?” asked River.</p>
<p>The Doctor looked stunned for a moment, like she hadn’t thought of that.</p>
<p>“He’s been giving us piloting lessons,” Yaz supplied. “We came here without him.” </p>
<p>River’s jaw dropped. “<i>You</i> can fly the TARDIS?” she asked them.</p>
<p>“Yes,” said the Doctor. “Actually, we left him with you at a party. He let us take the TARDIS on a little trip.”</p>
<p>“Incredible,” said River. Her eyes lit up in excitement. “Let’s go to your TARDIS right now,” she said. “We can have our own adventure-”</p>
<p>“Spoilers!” said the Doctor. “You can’t see the TARDIS, I’m afraid.”</p>
<p>“Hmm,” said River, somehow both deflated and suspicious. “So you two are here, without the Doctor, and I can’t see the TARDIS because spoilers, which would normally mean the Doctor regenerated and she’s redecorated. Except the Doctor I know is all out of regenerations. Which means this must be an earlier Doctor,” she pulled out her Doctor spotter’s guide and looked at the Doctor immediately before bowtie. </p>
<p>“You’re brilliant,” said the Doctor. “Truly brilliant. That’s exactly it.”</p>
<p>“Except,” said River. “My Doctor didn’t recognize your names or descriptions. He doesn’t know you.”</p>
<p>The Doctor shifted from foot to foot. Yaz struggled to come up with some kind of explanation.</p>
<p>“You can’t see the TARDIS because it will mess up your own timeline,” said Yaz. “It’ll cause a paradox.” </p>
<p>“Yes, that!” said the Doctor. “Exactly.” </p>
<p>“We can’t explain it to you because that will just cause the paradox,” said Yaz. “You have to let us go.” </p>
<p>“Is he… he’s dead, isn’t he?” asked River, her face becoming pale. “The Doctor’s dead and the two of you are flying around in his TARDIS.”</p>
<p>“No!” said the Doctor, taking River’s hands. “River, I promise he’s not dead. I <i>promise</i>.”</p>
<p>River and the Doctor looked into each others’ eyes for a long moment. River seemed to accept what the Doctor was saying, but she still looked confused. “Then that means… there are more regenerations.”</p>
<p>“Nah,” said the Doctor dismissively, too dismissively, dropping River’s hands. “He’s a Time Lord. He only has twelve. You know the rules.” </p>
<p>River didn’t look convinced. “You’re wearing suspenders,” she noticed. </p>
<p>“Goodbye, River,” said the Doctor, grabbing Yaz’s hand and pulling her away.</p>
<p>River stared at them in confusion, but she didn’t follow.</p>
<p>Once they made it to the TARDIS, the Doctor immediately flipped through the controls. The TARDIS shuddered as it made a quick relocation. “There,” said the Doctor. “We’re a year later.” She stood at the controls, biting her lip, eyes unfocused again.</p>
<p>“Do you still want to go?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>The Doctor snapped out of it. “Yes,” she said, but without her usual cheeriness. “Let’s go.”</p>
<p>Yaz followed the Doctor out the door and down the same tunnel as before, now populated by different people and different fish. The Doctor seemed very distracted as she walked through the tunnels, not noticing or reacting to anything around her. Yaz gently pulled on her arm and led her to a deserted glass bubble viewing area that had a bench, and they sat down.</p>
<p>“The fish are really beautiful,” said Yaz. “Do the big ones you were talking about come near the tunnels?”</p>
<p>The Doctor nodded. “They come out in the evening,” she said. “Should be a little while yet.” Despite verbally responding to Yaz, the Doctor looked like she was still deep in thought. She reached into her coat pocket and rummaged around, her arm disappearing up to the elbow in the pocket. Yaz realized it had to be bigger on the inside. Finally, the Doctor pulled out a worn, blue notebook that resembled the TARDIS. She stared at it, but didn’t open it.</p>
<p>“What is it?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” said the Doctor. “I wanted to show you the fish, and tell you all about them. I love this place. I know basically everything about it. It’s one of my favorites.”</p>
<p>“We’re here right now,” said Yaz. “You can still tell me about the fish.”</p>
<p>“It’s just,” the Doctor’s grip tightened on the notebook. “I’m grieving, Yaz. Again. Every time I think I’m done grieving her, River shows up in my life again. And I can’t let her know who I am. And I’m afraid I’ve already messed up her timeline.” She looked up at Yaz, her face completely expressionless. Unnaturally expressionless. “She wasn’t supposed to know that I had more than twelve regenerations, but she’s so smart, she might have figured it out. This is her diary, and I’ve never read it because I guess I was always hoping there would still be spoilers. And maybe there are. If I read this, and there are things in here I can’t know yet, I could create a paradox - and that’s something we’ve done before; I had to restart the universe; it was a whole thing. But what if I really did mess up her timeline, and I don’t read the diary, and I don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it? What if she dies, or she <i>doesn’t</i> die when she’s supposed to? I promised her I wouldn’t change a single line of our time together.”</p>
<p>Yaz thought for a moment, digesting all the information and trying to think of a way to respond that wouldn’t discourage the Doctor from ever telling her anything like this again. She couldn’t appear confused; she needed to be smart. “A while ago, you said that Time Lords have a way of erasing memories,” she said. “What if you could read it, and then erase some of your memories if it was something you can’t know about?”</p>
<p>The Doctor’s face lit up. “Brilliant! Ten points to Yaz! I knew I kept you around for a reason. I can use a memory worm! One touch, and I’ll lose a whole hour of memories. I know when we can pick one up. Several whens, actually.”</p>
<p>Yaz smiled, feeling the warmth of pride that she’d said the right thing for once. “Great! Let’s go get one. And then you can explain to me what you mean by spoilers from a diary.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I still haven’t actually made the flowchart,” said the Doctor as they got up and walked back toward the TARDIS. “Basically, we meet in the wrong order, and after I met her she was born to two of my friends, who, ugh, conceived her in the time vortex, on my TARDIS. I knew I shouldn’t have invited them on board on their wedding night. But that’s why she’s part human, part Time Lord.”</p>
<p>Part human, part Time Lord? This was surreal. But Yaz went with it. Maybe this time she would answer. “Did you see her death?” Yaz asked, very carefully. It was a risk, she knew. But maybe now was the time.</p>
<p>The Doctor didn’t respond for a long time. They entered the TARDIS and the Doctor piloted it into the the time vortex in silence. Yaz had decided it had been the wrong time to ask and was thinking about how to break the ice when the Doctor finally spoke. “It was the first day I met her. I didn’t know who she was, but she knew who I was. And I couldn’t stop it.”</p>
<p>Yaz stared at the Doctor, who was fiddling with the controls and avoiding looking at Yaz. But Yaz knew enough about the TARDIS now to know that the Doctor wasn’t actually doing anything with the controls. She was just trying to look busy, and like she wasn’t hanging on Yaz’s reaction to what she had just said. Yaz had to show her that she meant it, that nothing in her past would change how Yaz felt about her in the present.</p>
<p>“You’ve always known how she dies,” said Yaz. “The whole time you knew her.”</p>
<p>The Doctor nodded, wordlessly, not looking at her.</p>
<p>Yaz approached the doctor and held her arms open, an invitation.</p>
<p>The Doctor didn’t react for a moment. Almost like she was considering what kind of a person she was. Then she abruptly turned and hugged Yaz tightly. Yaz hugged her back, and didn’t let go for a long time.</p>
<p>“You know, long hugs like this have health benefits for both humans and time lords,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” said Yaz. “We should do them more often.”</p>
<p>Finally, at least a solid thirty seconds later, the Doctor let go of Yaz and pulled away, brushing what might have been a tear off her face. “My last body used to say that hugs are just a way of hiding your face,” she laughed. “But I think he appreciated the hugs my friend Clara forced on him anyway.”</p>
<p>“I’ve been through some stuff,” said Yaz. “I know I haven’t experienced as much loss as you have. But I’ve been sad before, and I’ve grieved before. Don’t feel like you have to hide it from me.”</p>
<p>“Never,” said the Doctor. She hesitated. “And if I wasn’t so socially awkward, I would say something here about how you also don’t have to. From me. Your sadness. Hide it.” </p>
<p>“I know,” said Yaz, smiling a little bigger. “That’s what friends are for. People you can be vulnerable with.”</p>
<p>“I almost was,” said the Doctor, “with River. But I couldn’t. Because I knew her future and could never tell her. It was like a wall between us.”</p>
<p>“Do you think you’ll see her again?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>The Doctor shook her head. “I don’t think so. I don’t think we were supposed to meet today, at Aecoria. Our time is over. So only if something’s wrong with the timeline and I have to fix it. And even then, I can’t let her know who I am.” The Doctor pulled out the notebook again, looking at it almost reverently. “Okay, let’s get us a memory worm.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>can you tell the author hasn't hugged their best friend since January 2020 (thanks pandemic)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. once upon a lonely christmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor finally reads River's diary</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“We’ll need coats and scarves,” the Doctor said as the TARDIS landed. “It’s nearly Christmas.”</p><p>“Where are we?” asked Yaz. “And when are we?”</p><p>“London, 23rd of December, 1892,” said the Doctor. “Also I’m here. Past me, that is. And Clara, or rather, an echo of Clara.”</p><p>“What do you mean, echo?” asked Yaz.</p><p>“In the future, or I guess the past, depending, a thing happens and Clara saves my life by entering my timestream, which creates echoes of her all throughout my timeline. Or at least, up until the day I went to Trenzalore. I haven’t come across any echoes since then. Although, would I have noticed? I’m not sure.”</p><p>“Do we have to worry about Clara recognizing you?” asked Yaz.</p><p>“No,” said the Doctor. “Well actually, maybe.” She thought about it. Clara couldn’t usually remember the experiences of her echoes, but she did once say that she always recognized the Doctor, no matter which face he had. But she had never mentioned a female face. The Doctor had assumed it was because when Clara entered her timeline, it was when the Doctor was still going to die on Trenzalore, but then she ended up not dying because of that extra burst of regeneration energy. But if she was the timeless child, that meant she was always going to regenerate again, didn’t it? Did that mean she was still going to die on Trenzalore some day, just not when she had originally expected it? But surely Clara would have mentioned if the Doctor had a female face. Although Clara hadn’t see any of the Doctor’s faces from before the chameleon arch erased her memories, ether. Like Ruth. Unless she had. Unless she just never mentioned it. The Doctor’s head hurt thinking about it.</p><p>“Okay so, just to be safe, we try to avoid Clara,” said Yaz. </p><p>“That’d probably be best,” the Doctor agreed. She hated knowing that this Clara was going to die in a few days, but if she saved her, the Doctor would never go looking for the original Clara, and the echo Clara would never exist in the first place. It would be better to avoid running into her at all.</p><p>“So what’s the plan?” Yaz asked.</p><p>“We sneak onto the TARDIS while I’m out and steal the memory worm from past me.”</p><p>“Wait, if it’s on the TARDIS in the past, is it still on the TARDIS now?”</p><p>The Doctor shook her head. “I use it again - or possibly its descendants - later for a space bank heist, and then I lose it. Which means I have to return it when I’m done, so I can use again.” She realized she wasn’t sure if it was the same worm or not, because there had been several worms involved with the bank heist, and her memory was still a bit fuzzy about where they had come from. But better to be safe than sorry.</p><p>“Okay, so we borrow the memory worm, you read the diary, then we return the worm.” </p><p>“That’s the plan.” The Doctor pulled on a Victorian era coat and scarf and offered a similar set to Yaz. “I think I remember where I parked the TARDIS. We’ll have to stake it out first so we know when it’s safe to break in.”</p><p>—</p><p>Yaz and the Doctor did their best to blend in and not look suspicious as they loitered by the area where the Doctor swore she’d left her TARDIS. Suddenly, the Doctor gasped and pulled Yaz with her behind a tree. “There’s Clara,” the Doctor whispered. Both of them peered around the edges of the tree, doing a terrible job of being inconspicuous. Miraculously, no one noticed them.</p><p>Clara looked just how the Doctor remembered - now that she had those memories back. She felt a pang of sadness as she remembered what had happened between them, in the end. She realized she didn’t know if Clara had ever returned to her timeline, and when she tried to check if her memories of that day had changed, it was all a bit of a blur. Maybe it was better not to know.</p><p>“I don’t remember this bit,” the Doctor whispered, as Clara jumped up and pulled down a previously invisible ladder to begin her ascent to where the TARDIS was parked in the clouds. After a short time, Clara came back down, looking somewhat frightened, and ran off. A few minutes later, the bowtie version of the Doctor also appeared and walked away from the area.</p><p>“He looks upset,” Yaz whispered.</p><p>“He is,” said the Doctor, as the younger version of her walked out of earshot. “I mean, I am. This is right after I lost some of my dearest friends and I swore I’d never help anyone or have any friends ever again.”</p><p>“What changed?” Yaz asked.</p><p>“Clara,” answered the Doctor. Then she strode over to where the ladder had been and pulled it down again. “Time to visit the TARDIS.” She grinned conspiratorially at Yaz.</p><p>“This reminds me of those early adventures with Ryan,” said Yaz as they climbed.</p><p>“Yeah, he was amazing,” said the Doctor, reaching the top of the ladder and beginning up the spiral staircase. It was silly that she had literally parked her TARDIS in the clouds rather than risk anyone knocking on the door. Especially since, she realized now, Clara <i>had</i> knocked on the door, and then left before the Doctor had seen her. She’d been incredibly lonely in those days. She still believed that maybe she deserved it. </p><p>“It’s beautiful up here!” said Yaz.</p><p>The Doctor paused to look out through the clouds. “I never noticed how beautiful it was when I was here,” she said. She’d been too wrapped up in her own grief.  </p><p>Finally, they reached the top of the stairs. “Hello,” said the Doctor, putting her hand on the TARDIS’s door, feeling a familiar warmth. She had a key, of course, but she loved it when the TARDIS let her in without one. “It’s me from the future, but I’m sure you know that already. I just need to borrow something.” </p><p>The TARDIS doors opened before the Doctor had even finished her sentence. </p><p>“Thank you,” she said, entering. “She’s redecorated a few times since this, which is why it looks different,” she said to Yaz, who was looking around the room with an awestruck face.</p><p>“She’s beautiful both ways,” said Yaz.</p><p>The Doctor snorted. “No wonder she likes you so much, if this was her first impression of you. Not that she experiences time linearly, though. Ah, here it is. That was easy,” the Doctor picked up a jar containing a large worm and a few leaves.</p><p>“Is that really an ideal habitat for it?” asked Yaz.</p><p>“No, probably not. Let’s make sure to make some improvements when we return it,” said the Doctor.</p><p>“Alright, back to the future TARDIS,” said Yaz. “Before other you comes back here.”</p><p>—</p><p>“I can’t believe that actually went off without a hitch,” said Yaz.</p><p>“Me neither,” said the Doctor. “I was sure I’d bump into myself <i>and</i> Clara, and probably Strax and Vastra and Jenny as well.”</p><p>“Who are they?” asked Yaz.</p><p>“Some friends of mine who live in this time period. They were there for me.”</p><p>“I’m glad you have so many friends,” said Yaz.</p><p>The Doctor glanced up at her, trying to tell if that was a hint of jealousy. “Me too,” said the Doctor. “I could tell you more about them, if you want,” she offered. She could share her friends with Yaz if that would help.</p><p>“I’d love that. Wait, are you just avoiding reading River’s diary?” asked Yaz. </p><p>The Doctor sighed heavily. Why was it Yaz could always see straight through her these days? “Maybe. Either the timeline is a disaster and it’s my fault, or there aren’t any more spoilers and I’m never going to see her again.”</p><p>“Hey,” Yaz reached out and squeezed the Doctor’s hand. “I’m here, and don’t forget, you can forget whatever you read, if you need to.”</p><p>The Doctor nodded. “You’re right,” she said out loud. But inside, she knew she would only use the memory worm if it was something good. If there were spoilers. Every time she’d been on a planet with the Forget patches, she’d been tempted. But she would never erase a bad memory. She didn’t deserve that. She needed to hold onto every bad memory in order to make sure that she would remember how to be a good person.</p><p>“Do you want to go back to the library?” Yaz asked.</p><p>The Doctor gasped, looking up at Yaz in confusion. She hadn’t told Yaz about the library, had she? Was she somehow projecting bad memories? Oh, wait- “You mean the TARDIS library?” she asked.</p><p>“Yeah,” said Yaz, looking a tad uncomfortable like she didn’t know what she had said to get that reaction. Of course she didn’t. “It seemed like a good place to read. I can leave you alone, if you want. Or come with.”</p><p>“Come with,” said the Doctor, relieved. “And bring the worm and a clock. Make sure if I’m going to use it, I use it within an hour of starting to read.”</p><p>—</p><p>The Doctor stared at Yaz in confusion.</p><p>“Doctor?” said Yaz. “Are you with me?”</p><p>“What happened?” asked the Doctor. She looked around her. She was sitting on the floor in the library with her back against the new purple sofa, and Yaz was sitting directly in front of her with the memory worm in its jar. “I used the worm?” she asked. She felt a tear rolling down her face and reached up to catch it, confused. Her legs and back were sore, like she’d been sitting there for ages. And her eyes hurt, like she’d been crying. <i>Really</i> crying. </p><p>“You said to tell you that it’s okay,” said Yaz, reciting almost as if she were reading from a script. “River can figure out who you are. And you’ve marked the parts you want to read again with post-its, and censored things you can’t read yet.”</p><p><i>Yet</i>. There was a yet. That meant spoilers. The Doctor looked down at the diary. Starting in the second half of the book, there were nine post-its poking out of the book, designating pages to look at. Nine more times to see River?</p><p>“You said to tell you to read just one at a time,” Yaz added. Of course. Space them out. Savor it. </p><p>“I did all of this in an hour?” </p><p>“No, we’ve had to use the memory worm three times.”</p><p>The Doctor nodded. That made more sense. No wonder she felt so fuzzy. “I feel like I’ve been crying,” she said, looking back up at Yaz for confirmation. </p><p>Yaz looked like she’d been crying, too. She nodded. “You didn’t say why.” </p><p>“I cried a lot,” said the Doctor, not quite a question.</p><p>Yaz nodded again. “Yeah, it was sort of contagious.” A tear ran down Yaz’s face and she brushed it away with an embarrassed laugh. “But you were really emphatic that everything was okay, and to tell you everything was okay.”</p><p>The Doctor looked back down at the diary. She wouldn’t have erased her memories if they just made her sad. There had to be actual spoilers in here. Something good, hopefully. More time with River. “Okay,” she said. “Here goes.” She opened to the first post-it. Everything on the entire spread had been covered up by post-it notes of different colors and shapes, but one spot was left open. It said:</p><p>
  <i>Sweetie, </i>
</p><p>
  <i>In a tight spot. Come pick me up, swimming pool style. </i>
</p><p>Below the text were space-time coordinates in old high Gallifreyan.</p><p>The Doctor smiled. “River needs a lift,” she said.</p><p>“She left you a note in her diary to pick her up?” Yaz asked.</p><p>“That’s time traveler life for you,” said the Doctor.</p><p>“We should return the memory worm first though, right?” </p><p>“Probably best,” said the Doctor. She walked to the control room and picked up the phone, dialing Jenny and Vastra’s number.</p><p>“Hello?” Jenny picked up the phone.</p><p>“Hi Jenny, don’t let on, but it’s the Doctor,” said the Doctor. “I don’t know if we’ve met yet in this regeneration.”</p><p>“No, I don’t think we have,” said Jenny, sounding somewhat excited. She spoke quietly. “Er, earlier you I suppose, or maybe future you, is at the house right now.”</p><p>“Brilliant,” said the Doctor. “Can you keep me there for about an hour? I just borrowed something from his TARDIS and need to return it.”</p><p>“Alright. Actually, how do I know for sure that you’re <i>the Doctor</i>?” she whispered the last part.</p><p>“I can tell you that the me at your house right now is incredibly crabby because he just lost his friends Amy and Rory, but he’s making a new friend named Clara, and he tried to use the memory worm on her but got talked out of it. And then I, present me, had to borrow the memory worm to read River’s diary to check the timeline.”</p><p>“Oh,” said Jenny. “I believe you, then.”</p><p>“Thanks. Talk to you later. Send my love to Vastra and Strax.” The Doctor hung up the phone. She paused. They didn’t know that bowtie was supposed to be the last regeneration, did they? She really needed to stop crossing her own timeline.</p><p>“Jenny’s going to distract the other me for the next hour so we can return the worm,” she said to Yaz, who had followed her into the console room.</p><p>“Great,” said Yaz, holding the worm in its new cage very carefully, complete with additions of a small branch and several more leaves.</p><p>—</p><p>The return of the worm went off without incident, and the Doctor could feel the excitement bubbling up inside of her when they returned to her TARDIS.</p><p>“Be sure to stay clear of the hallway to the swimming pool,” said the Doctor.</p><p>“Why?” Yaz asked uncertainly.</p><p>“River said to pick her up swimming pool style, which means she’s diving.” The Doctor pushed some more buttons and levers around, and there was a creaking sound as the pool rotated and its gravity shifted sideways. “This is a bit tricky with us in the TARDIS’s console room,” said the Doctor. “Make sure you hang on to something; she’ll have to adjust the gravity as River enters.”</p><p>“Are you sure this will work?” Yaz asked. “What if River hits the doorway or something instead of the pool?”</p><p>“The TARDIS wouldn’t let that happen. River’s her favorite. And also her child, technically. She can move the doorway if she has to.” The Doctor tried to sound confident, but Yaz’s concerns had given her a bit of anxiety. It had been a long time since she had picked up River like this. What if she messed it up? She felt the TARDIS sending her comforting vibes, and took a deep breath. “Okay, here goes. Hang on to something.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>special shoutout to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/14902316">Stealing Kisses From Your Missus</a> for the idea with River's diary!</p><p>Updates might slow down just a little bit after this due to law school + big paper due next week + I'm still debating about upcoming plot points, but I'm really enjoying working on this and do have drafts for the next two and a half chapters done :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. the doctor is unavailable at the moment</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>River gets picked up in the TARDIS while on a jewel heist.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>as a heads up, this chapter contains angst and a little bit of mental health stuff</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>River had been hired to steal the Auelyna’s most prized possession (a jewel that contained the memories of their ancestors) back from the Igorians, who had taken it for their palace museum. Her plan had been to pose as palace staff and steal the jewel during a routine cleaning of the museum. Unfortunately, River wasn’t the only one after the jewel. Bhakgonians had shown up and forced River to jump ahead of schedule. They had also chased her to the roof.</p>
<p>The top of the Palace of Igoria was gilded in gold, tall spires and edged with jewels of all different colors. River was standing at the edge, scribbling in her diary, when they found her.</p>
<p>“Surrender. There is no way out,” they monotoned. She might have even considered it, except Bhakgonians did not take prisoners.</p>
<p>“Oh dear,” said River, barely acknowledging them. “I suppose I’ll just have to jump.” Tucking the diary back in her pocket, she turned and dived off the side of the building.</p>
<p>The Doctor had never let River down in a time travel rescue before, and this time was no exception. River dove headfirst into the familiar swimming pool and felt the TARDIS returning to the time vortex before she had even finished climbing out. There was a towel waiting for her by the side of the pool. She wondered whether the Doctor or the TARDIS had been the one to put it there. </p>
<p>Wrapped in the towel with her heels in her hand, River walked barefoot through the TARDIS in search of the wardrobe. Or her room, if it was here. She never knew if she’d have a room on the TARDIS when she dropped in at various points in the Doctor’s timeline. </p>
<p>Today, the TARDIS led her to her room. “Oh, excellent,” she said to to ship as she looked through her closet. She was always careful not to leave much here, in case she showed up out of order and spoiled herself. She found one of her favorite dresses. Fashionable, yet comfy. As she got dressed, she noticed a thick layer of dust on her bedside table. She sighed. She knew that writing her request for a rescue in her diary meant she would be picked up by a Doctor who had experienced her death, but she hadn’t realized how long it would take for him to read her diary afterwards. This might be painful. Slipping on some comfortable shoes from the closet - her feet needed a break from heels - River headed toward the console room. </p>
<p>As she approached, she heard familiar voices. </p>
<p>“What are you going to tell her?” Yaz was asking.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure,” Sonya replied.</p>
<p>River entered the console room and gasped. It was far different from any version of the console room she’d seen before, and she’d seen nearly all of them as she’d worked backwards through the Doctor’s timeline (always erasing his memory after, of course, to preserve the timeline). It was darker, but the room was illuminated by large golden crystalline structures and blue ‘round things’ as the Doctor had affectionately called them. Gone were the wires that used to hang from the ceiling, and the center of the console had a golden crystal moving up and down instead of the usual glass column. River had no explanation for why the TARDIS would have done such a drastic redecorating unless the pilot was a completely different person from the Doctor River had known. And that was what she was most afraid of. Who was the Doctor, long after she had died?</p>
<p>“River!” said Sonya, finally noticing her. She looked like she wanted to say more, but the words were caught in her throat.</p>
<p>“Hi Sonya, Yaz,” said River, slightly uneasy. “Is something wrong? Where’s the Doctor?”</p>
<p>Sonya’s mouth opened but nothing came out.</p>
<p>“Nothing’s wrong,” said Yaz, when the silence got uncomfortable. “Would you like some tea?”</p>
<p>River’s uncertainty blossomed into fear. “The last time I saw you - which I presume is in your future, if we’re traveling back to front - you told me the Doctor wasn’t dead. But something’s wrong.”</p>
<p>Still no words came out of Sonya’s mouth. </p>
<p>Yaz looked back and forth between them, concerned. “The Doctor’s… unavailable at the moment,” she said, finally. “Not dead, though. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just, spoilers.” </p>
<p>“Okay,” said River slowly. Of course. Of course he didn’t want to see her, wouldn’t want to reawaken his grief so long after she had passed. He would have his companions who could pilot the TARDIS pick her up. And it was okay, really. She still had time with her Doctor, the younger one. “Let’s have that tea,” she said. </p>
<p>Yaz led the way to the kitchen and busied herself making tea while River sat across the table from Sonya, who was expertly avoiding making eye contact with her. </p>
<p>River tapped her fingers lightly on the table. She wasn’t used to feeling like the one without the answers, the one without the spoilers - at least, it had been a long time. “I understand,” she said.</p>
<p>Sonya’s eyes flicked up to hers.</p>
<p>“He would have had to read my diary to know I needed picked up, which means I’m dead for him, and going by the layer of dust in my room, it’s been a while. It would be too painful to see me again. Things change, and they end. They have to.” She nodded as she spoke, like she was trying to convince herself.</p>
<p>“No,” said Sonya softly, with so much emotion wrapped up in that one word that River was genuinely surprised. “It’s always worth the pain. Always.”</p>
<p>River smiled at her. “You and I are something, aren’t we? In the future?”</p>
<p>Sonya smiled back, but her eyes were sad and she neither confirmed nor denied it. </p>
<p>“Have we done the slime in the cave yet?” River asked. She’d thought that had been Sonya’s last time seeing her, but maybe their meetings were a little out of order.</p>
<p>“Yes,” said Sonya, her smile disappearing.</p>
<p><i>Your death is a fixed point in time.</i> “I’m dead to you, too.” This was rough. </p>
<p>“You’re alive right now,” said Sonya, sounding as though she wasn’t sure if she believed herself.</p>
<p>“I don’t know if I can do this today,” River said honestly. It had been a rough day. Her jewel liberation hadn’t gone to plan, she’d nearly died, the Doctor was avoiding her, and now she had a stranger grieving her while she was sitting in front of them. She felt like she might cry. She wanted to go home, to see <i>her</i> Doctor again. </p>
<p>Sonya nodded in acknowledgment. “I can take you home. Or anywhere you want to go.”</p>
<p>River knew she meant wherever she needed to go next, but it reminded her of that day. <i>Travel with me. One psychopath per TARDIS, don’t you think?</i></p>
<p>“It’s okay, I can fly us there myself,” said River, getting up and walking out of the kitchen. Yaz hadn’t even finished making the tea yet. River wasn’t sure if what she was doing was kind or cruel. It was hard to watch a stranger be in so much pain about her death that hadn’t happened yet. She felt like it was hanging over her, waiting for her.</p>
<p>River was plugging in the final calculations in the TARDIS console when she had the feeling of someone watching her from behind. She glanced back and saw Sonya standing there with those huge puppy dog eyes, red around the edges, staring at her like she was a ghost. “I’m sorry,” said River, turning back to the console. “I can tell this is hard for you.”</p>
<p>Sonya walked toward her. “No, I’m sorry,” she said. “I never should have put that kind of burden on you.” </p>
<p>“It’s certainly not fun, knowing that your death is a fixed point in time - that it’s just out there, waiting for you, and someone knows the when and where.” River pulled the final lever. “I’ll see you again, I’m sure,” she said.</p>
<p>“You will,” said Sonya. </p>
<p>“Is that a promise, or history?” asked River.</p>
<p>“Both,” said Sonya. </p>
<p>“It better be,” said River, and right as she was about to walk out the door, she felt a cool hand touching the side of her forehead. When she woke up, she was in her office. And she had a headache.</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>Yaz looked for the Doctor after she felt the TARDIS return to the time vortex. She walked around the console room but didn’t see her. If the Doctor had gone into one of the endless other rooms on the TARDIS, Yaz didn’t know if she’d ever be able to find her.</p>
<p>“I’m down here,” said a quiet voice from below the console.</p>
<p>Yaz looked down and realized there were stairs leading to a space beneath the floor of the console room. She wasn’t sure if she had just never noticed them before, or if they had never presented themselves to her until now. Trying to keep her steps light on the noisy metal stairway, she came down the stairs to see the Doctor sitting on the ground, back against the underside of the console, curled into herself with a vacant expression.</p>
<p>“Hi,” said Yaz, sitting beside her and letting the silence wash over them until the Doctor felt like talking.</p>
<p>“That was so terrible,” she whispered, finally, leaning into Yaz. </p>
<p>Yaz felt chills at the physical contact. Deciding to be bold, she wrapped an arm around the Doctor’s shoulders. “I thought you were going to tell her who you were,” she said.</p>
<p>“I was, but I panicked,” said the Doctor. “And now she might not even remember me.” She sounded miserable.</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>“I never should have told her her death was a fixed point in time. She couldn’t even look at me, knowing I know how she dies. I tried to erase just that one thing from her memory, leave everything else intact, but I’ve never done something like that before. I’ve always had to erase myself completely from someone’s mind, or else they’ll remember.” More quietly, she muttered, “It feels like such a violation, and yet I do it so easily.”</p>
<p>“Do you think it would have messed up her timeline if you hadn’t tried, though?” Yaz tried to be supportive.</p>
<p>“Maybe.”</p>
<p>“So in a way, you were keeping your promise.”</p>
<p>The Doctor sighed and nestled her head in closer to Yaz’s shoulder. “Thanks, Yaz.”</p>
<p>Yaz felt a rush of love for the Doctor, but also something else. Fear and sadness. She wasn’t sure why; it was an odd combination of emotions.</p>
<p>The Doctor inhaled sharply and pulled away from Yaz. “I’m sorry,” she said. “My brain is such a mess right now; I got distracted and let my mental barriers down.” </p>
<p>“Mental barriers?” Yaz felt a cold emptiness where the Doctor had been a moment before.</p>
<p>“You know how I’m a bit telepathic?” said the Doctor, still avoiding looking in Yaz’s direction. “It’s stronger with physical contact. I’m really sorry. Barriers back up. It won’t happen again.” She had curled in on herself again, looking unbearably lonely.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Yaz. “Wasn’t bad at all though, on my end.” She offered her arm again, but the Doctor looked uncertain. “Come back?”</p>
<p>Slowly, the Doctor returned to her earlier position. Yaz noted that she no longer detected the fear and sadness she had felt earlier. </p>
<p>“Do you want to talk about River?” Yaz asked softly.</p>
<p>The Doctor took a deep breath, held it, and released it. “You remember how I told you that River died the day I met her,” she said. “But what I haven’t told you is, the day I met her, she knew my name.”</p>
<p>“Because she knew you already,” Yaz reasoned.</p>
<p>“No, Yaz, she knew my <i>name</i>. Not the one I chose, the one I-” she cut off.</p>
<p>“The one you were born with?” Yaz asked, surprised.</p>
<p>“Something like that,” muttered the Doctor. “It’s complicated, now.” </p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“A story for another day. But it meant that in the future, River and I were...” </p>
<p>“You were close?” Yaz asked, when the Doctor didn’t finish.</p>
<p>“Very,” said the Doctor. </p>
<p>“You must miss her a lot,” said Yaz, running her fingers through the Doctor’s hair, barely aware she was doing it. She was more focused on the emotions passing across the Doctor’s face. Sometimes the Doctor was unreadable, but other times - times like this - she was an open book.</p>
<p>“She was my partner,” the Doctor whispered. “My wife.” </p>
<p>Yaz’s fingers froze in the Doctor’s hair for just a second, then she concentrated on un-freezing them and accepting this information with grace. “You’re married,” she said. </p>
<p>“Mm-hmm,” the Doctor said, nodding her head against Yaz’s shoulder but still not looking at her. </p>
<p>Yaz sat in silence for a moment, thinking about the eons that separated them. Yaz was only in her early twenties. She didn’t know how old the Doctor was, but she knew she was quite a bit older than Yaz. Compared to the Doctor’s life, Yaz had only known her for a second. She was just a blip on the Doctor’s timeline, and the Doctor was married to this beautiful, amazing River person, who was part Time Lord and probably understood the Doctor more than Yaz ever could. Yaz was just a mayfly. </p>
<p>The Doctor stopped breathing. “It’s happening again,” she said, pulling away. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”</p>
<p>Yaz sighed. “It’s okay,” she said again.</p>
<p>“No, it’s not. It’s an invasion of privacy. You don’t even know how to put up a mental block, and it’s not something I can teach you.” The Doctor stood and walked a few feet away.</p>
<p>Yaz stood up as well. “You’ve had a rough day,” she said. “It’s understandable.”</p>
<p>The Doctor put her hands on the underworkings of the TARDIS’s console and leaned forward, her hair obscuring her face. “You can’t forgive me for something you don’t understand.” </p>
<p>“So explain it to me then,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“I can’t; it can’t be explained to someone who hasn’t experienced it.”</p>
<p>Yaz wasn’t sure what to say to that.</p>
<p>Then the Doctor faced her, with a brave face on. “I should head to the medbay and have the TARDIS do a scan to see why this is happening.” </p>
<p>“That’s a good idea,” said Yaz, stepping back to allow the Doctor up the stairs. Then she followed. She was sure the Doctor meant to go to the medbay alone, but she followed anyway, and the Doctor didn’t protest. Maybe she was wrong.</p>
<p>When they got the medbay, Yaz sat in one of the seats and watched as the Doctor allowed the TARDIS to scan her. The readings came back in Gallifreyan, but after a second, Yaz could read them as well. She tried to keep her breathing even as she read the words that scrolled across the screen.</p>
<p>Then the Doctor turned and smiled brightly at Yaz. “All fine, nothing wrong,” she said.</p>
<p>Yaz hesitated for a moment, not sure if she should tell her or not. “Sorry,” she said, “the TARDIS translated for me.”</p>
<p>The Doctor looked puzzled. “What would that even translate to, in English?”</p>
<p>“It said post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, and malnourishment,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“Ugh!” the Doctor said. Yaz wasn’t sure if it was directed toward her or the TARDIS. “That’s not really a direct translation.”</p>
<p>“What did it really say?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>The Doctor avoided her eyes for a moment. “Basically, basically same thing.” She looked up at Yaz, this time irritated. “But it’s just because she’s worried about me. Those aren’t things you can pick up on a scan, it’s just her trying to diagnose me. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Just a little meditation and I’ll be right as rain.” </p>
<p>“You know,” said Yaz, “when I’m feeling… off, usually, getting some sleep helps to sort of reset my brain.” It was something her therapist had suggested to her once. An irritating suggestion, because it made her feel like her problems weren’t real and would magically go away with just a good night’s sleep. But even though they didn’t go away, sometimes she could think more clearly after sleeping.</p>
<p>“Hate sleeping,” said the Doctor. “And besides, I just slept, when was it, yesterday? You remember.” </p>
<p>Yaz nodded. “Maybe just a short nap then? Can’t hurt to try, right?”</p>
<p>“Well,” said the Doctor. “That’s not strictly accurate, I don’t think.”</p>
<p>“I’ll wake you if you have nightmares,” said Yaz, “or you can wake me. And we can have custard creams and watch the stars again. And maybe a vegetable or two.” She felt at that moment like she would be willing to do anything to help her. She’d had her share of rough nights, and she knew this was what she would have wanted on a night like that. A friend willing to spend the night with her and wake her from her nightmares.</p>
<p>“Hmm,” the Doctor seemed to seriously consider it. She took another step back from Yaz. “Sorry, it’s happening again. Expanding.” </p>
<p>Yaz felt sad that her emotions were pushing the Doctor further away. The Doctor took another step back. Yaz concentrated on feeling neutral, at peace. “Do you want to go back to the library?” she asked, and immediately felt a wave of anxiety. She wasn’t sure if it was hers. “Or somewhere else,” she added, quickly, trying to think of a place with a bed or couch that wasn’t the Doctor’s abandoned room or the library. “My room, maybe?”</p>
<p>“Ugh. Hate sleeping, but I have to get this under control, and the TARDIS agrees with you.” said the Doctor, coming closer again. “Thank you, Yaz. Appreciate it.” </p>
<p>Yaz smiled, and continued to focus on keeping her mind blank as she led the Doctor to her room.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>imagine that the under-console area from the 11th doctor's tardis is now a thing on the 13th doctor's tardis because I miss it</p>
<p>updates on the fic: I've been stuck writing chapter 8 for a long time BUT I have a good amount of plot planned out and I'm excited about it and next week is my spring break :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. abandoned in the dark</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor has a nightmare</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Yaz got to her room, she realized she hadn’t really thought this through. It was fairly small, and it only had one bed. Obviously, they couldn’t share like this.</p><p>“I’ll take the floor,” said the Doctor immediately. “You know me, I can sleep anywhere. I can sleep standing up.”</p><p>“Can you really?” asked Yaz. “But no, you take the bed. You’re the one who really needs the sleep.”</p><p>The Doctor scoffed. “Look who’s talking, miss sleeps-every-day. Honestly, I’d be more comfortable on the floor than in your bed.”</p><p>Before Yaz could stop it, she felt a flash of hurt. She stifled it immediately, but she saw the same emotion flicker across the Doctor’s face.</p><p>“I didn’t mean it like that,” said the Doctor. “Sorry, you sort of broadcast that. I just meant that your bed is really soft, and I might feel suffocated and I’m absolutely just making this worse. It’s just that I feel all,” she waved her hands around. “A mess in my brain. I’d rather have something more solid beneath me, so I feel more grounded. I’m not against your bed at all, just some other time.” She looked very serious.</p><p>“Absolutely, some other time,” said Yaz, barely processing the words before they were out of her mouth. She knew it probably wouldn’t mean anything to the Doctor though.</p><p>The corner of the Doctor’s mouth twitched up, and before she could stop herself, Yaz was smiling at the Doctor too. She felt a sort of joy, like something new and wonderful was waiting for her.</p><p>“Okay, not today,” said the Doctor abruptly, pulling some blankets and an extra pillow toward her as she tried to get comfortable on the floor. “Not while my brain is such a mess. Earlier you said vegetables? Gonna think about vegetables for a bit. You should too. Should put us both to sleep.”</p><p>“Goodnight, Doctor,” said Yaz, trying not to think of things like why the Doctor hadn’t asked to sleep alone, or why Yaz had impulsively invited her to her bedroom. Thinking about broccoli. Thinking about broccoli exclusively, with force. </p><p>“Goodnight, Yaz,” said the Doctor. And very softly, “I do like broccoli.”</p><p>—</p><p>In the middle of the night, Yaz woke up to the sound of the Doctor twitching and muttering to herself.</p><p>“Doctor?” asked Yaz. The Doctor didn’t respond. She’d promised to wake her up if this happened. </p><p>Very carefully, Yaz got out of bed, walked over, and knelt beside the Doctor. “Doctor?” she said again. No response. She reached out to touch the Doctor’s shoulder - through clothing should be okay, right? - and immediately she slumped forward.</p><p>When Yaz opened her eyes, she was standing in white. Everything was white. There was no floor or ceiling, no up or down. The Doctor was standing in front of her, facing away.</p><p>“Doctor?” asked Yaz.</p><p>The Doctor spun around. “What do you want?” she asked sharply, walking closer. “What do all of you want!?” She seemed angry, and Yaz felt herself feeling afraid. It was as though she was feeling her emotions through a tunnel. She couldn’t tell if they were hers or the Doctor’s.</p><p>“Where are we?” Yaz asked, looking around. She could almost remember how she had gotten here, but not quite.</p><p>The Doctor reached out and put her hand on Yaz’s cheek, softly. Her anger faded away, and she looked sad. “Don’t you know?”</p><p>Yaz stopped breathing for a moment, then put her hand over the Doctor’s. They stood there, on nothing, nowhere, and time didn’t pass. Then the Doctor dropped her hand and turned away toward a small child who had appeared.</p><p>She had dark skin and hair piled up on her head in an intricate braid. A golden cloak was draped around her, over an embroidered dress. She looked like she was waiting for her parent to arrive. Somehow, Yaz knew that no one was coming. The Doctor was staring at the child, unmoving.</p><p>“Hello?” said Yaz, walking toward the child. “Are you alright?”</p><p>The child regarded her calmly. “I am abandoned in the dark,” she said. The world around them faded into darkness, and a tunnel grew long between Yaz and the girl, pushing them further and further apart.</p><p>“Wait!” said Yaz, but the girl was already out of sight.</p><p>She saw more children in the corners of her eyes, but when she turned to look, there was only darkness. </p><p>“I am always alone,” said a child’s voice. Yaz spun around frantically as the children stayed exclusively in her peripheral vision. “No one came for me.”</p><p>“I’m here, let me help you,” said Yaz, but her eyes could not find them. She heard the sound of footsteps running away.</p><p>“Always in the dark,” the children’s voices began to overlap. “No one remembers me.” “Not even myself.” “Abandoned in the dark.”</p><p>“Who are you?” Yaz called into the darkness. There was a sound of flies and Yaz could have sworn she felt something grabbing her ankle, but when she looked down there was nothing there.</p><p>“I don’t remember this,” said the Doctor, who had appeared at Yaz’s side without Yaz noticing. “I’ve seen it, but I don’t remember.” </p><p>The invisible children’s voices continued their overlapping statements, growing louder and more numerous as Yaz put her hands over her ears. Someone was screaming and the room was growing brighter with a golden light. Then the voices stopped.</p><p>There was grass beneath their feet. The Master was there, but he didn’t see Yaz. He smiled mockingly at the Doctor. It felt like a recording. A memory, playing out in front of them.</p><p>The Doctor turned toward him sharply, her face twisting in sudden anger as she yelled at him, “Why would they lie!?” Her voice sounded broken, out of control.</p><p>Yaz could feel pure fury running through her veins. The power to destroy. Planets trembled before her. And yet, something was broken.</p><p>“Why would they do that!?” the Doctor continued, louder, more desperate.</p><p>The Master only laughed at her, and the Doctor lunged forward, knocking him to the ground with a scream of rage.</p><p>They were standing in the whiteness again. Yaz was very, very afraid. And alone. But she wasn’t alone. And she wasn’t afraid. She took a deep breath and tried to fight against the waves of fear and anger pounding against her.</p><p>“You’re still here,” the Doctor seemed to notice her for the first time.</p><p>“I think… I think I was trying to wake you up,” Yaz started to remember. She wobbled and nearly fell to her knees as another wave of fear crashed through her.</p><p>“Oh no,” the Doctor whispered, her hands coming up to cover her mouth.</p><p>Yaz started toward the Doctor, feeling as though she was walking uphill through a raging river of ice. “It’s okay,” said Yaz. Slowly, slowly, she pulled her feet toward the Doctor, who was watching her with the same fear that was all around them.</p><p>Carefully, and gently, Yaz put her arms around the Doctor and held her. “It’s just a dream,” she said. “You’re okay.” She closed her eyes and thought about how much she cared about the Doctor, about what their friendship meant to her. <i>How much she loved her.</i> The Doctor was shaking, and Yaz realized their surroundings had changed to a library. She looked up at the Doctor and let go of him in surprise. Somehow, though, she was sure he was the Doctor.</p><p>He was wearing a blue suit with a long brown coat and had spiky brown hair. His eyes were wide with fear. “Not this,” he said. “Anything but this.”</p><p>Yaz looked around. River was there, wearing a spacesuit and sitting in a chair. </p><p>“Let me do this,” said the Doctor. He was handcuffed to a wall.</p><p>“If you die here it’ll mean I’ve never met you,” said River.</p><p>“Time can be rewritten!” yelled the Doctor.</p><p>“Not those times, not one line,” said River.</p><p>“Yaz,” said the Doctor - and it was <i>her</i> Doctor this time, although still handcuffed to the wall. Her eyes were sad. “I don’t want you to see this,” she said. “But I can’t make it stop.”</p><p>With great effort, Yaz turned away from River and tried to block out the sounds. She walked over to the Doctor and stood in front of her, blocking her view.</p><p>The Doctor let her head fall forward onto Yaz’s chest and Yaz wrapped her arms around her. </p><p>“Remember vegetables?” asked Yaz. “You said you liked broccoli.” </p><p>Yaz opened her eyes. She realized she was lying on top of the Doctor, and got up carefully, trying not to elbow her. </p><p>The Doctor was staring at her with those wide eyes and not moving.</p><p>“I’m really sorry,” said Yaz. “I didn’t know that would happen, but you didn’t wake up when I said your name.”</p><p>The Doctor sat up and pulled her blankets tighter around her. “I didn’t know that would happen, either,” she said quietly. She shivered. </p><p>Yaz twisted to pull another blanket off her bed and draped it over the Doctor’s shoulders, being careful not to touch her. Then she sat, waiting. Part of her wanted to offer for them to immediately go look at the stars and eat custard creams like she’d promised they would, but part of her knew she should wait and let the Doctor process her nightmares before they moved on.</p><p>“You were really there?” the Doctor asked uncertainly.</p><p>Yaz nodded. “I just saw some different children, lost in the dark, and then you were angry at the Master - understandable - and then the little bit with River.” </p><p>“Just one child,” the Doctor corrected, quietly, avoiding Yaz’s gaze. </p><p>“Was it someone you lost?” asked Yaz. “Someone you can’t remember?” </p><p>“Someone I can’t remember,” the Doctor echoed. “Myself.” </p><p>Carefully, Yaz kept her face and her emotions as neutral as possible. </p><p>“I’m never going to sleep again,” said the Doctor, standing up, but keeping the blankets wrapped around her. “Sleep is rubbish.”</p><p>Yaz stood up as well, grabbing a blanket off her bed for herself. “Did it help at all with the whole - the brain mess?” she asked.</p><p>The Doctor considered, looking quizzically at Yaz. She reached out a hand, tentatively. “Can I?”</p><p>Yaz nodded, trying to remember to breathe. </p><p>Gently, the Doctor put her hand on Yaz’s face like she had in the dream. Somehow, it was so much better in real life.</p><p>“Think about something,” said the Doctor.</p><p>Without processing, Yaz thought about the rage and fear she’d felt while within the Doctor’s dreams. She immediately tried to dampen it, but the Doctor didn’t seem to have noticed. </p><p>“Nothing beyond the ordinary,” she said, removing her hand. “I could tell you were feeling… something, but no specifics. That’s about as muted as it gets for me, with skin to skin contact.” She smiled, suddenly. “Nightmares or not, it seems that you were right, Yasmin Khan. Naps can have benefits.”</p><p>Yaz smiled back at her. “Custard creams and stars?” she asked.</p><p>“Custard creams and stars!” the Doctor said enthusiastically as she turned and led the way to the console room. </p><p>Yaz pressed the custard creams lever and gathered a handful of them while the Doctor piloted the TARDIS to the stars.</p><p>When Yaz sat beside the Doctor at the open door of the TARDIS, she noticed that the nebula outside was a different color. It was blue and red, with hints of purple.</p><p>“Is this the same one as before?” she asked.</p><p>“No,” said the Doctor. “This is the one I named after you.” </p><p>“Oh,” said Yaz, feeling a rush of warmth. “It’s beautiful. When did you do this?”</p><p>“A little while back,” said the Doctor. “Between Saturdays. Got bored.” She shifted further into her blankets.</p><p>“Lonely?” asked Yaz softly.</p><p>“Everyone gets lonely,” said the Doctor, her voice muffled.</p><p>“They do,” agreed Yaz. Then she shifted closer and rested her head on the Doctor’s shoulder, and the stars shone.</p><p>—</p><p>When River woke up at her desk, she felt groggy. Trying to remember how she’d gotten there made her head hurt worse. It was a Saturday, and she wasn’t sure why she was at her office rather than her home. She usually worked from home on Saturdays.</p><p>The headache had improved slightly by the time she walked to her house. She kicked her shoes off at the door and noticed that they weren’t heels. She usually wore heels to the university. Maybe she hadn’t because it was a Saturday. River proceeded to her bedroom and flopped on the bed. A nap sounded nice. When was the last time she had slept? She couldn’t remember.</p><p>Wait. </p><p>Memory problems.</p><p>River pulled out her diary. Her most recent entry was a note asking the Doctor to pick her up. Of course. Sonya and Yaz had picked her up. And then Sonya had done something, right as she was leaving. She’d said in the caves that she was ‘slightly’ telepathic, but this was something more than ‘slightly.’ River wasn’t sure if Sonya had just put her into some kind of sleep, or if she had actually tampered with her memory. Whatever it was, it had left her with a headache and it was probably not a pleasant experience for Sonya, either. Doing that kind of tampering on a part-human, part-Time Lord brain that had been through extensive conditioning by the Silence had to have some side effects. River would have to have a word with her the next time they met.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm a sucker for those episodes where character A has to go into character B's nightmare or personal purgatory to help them break free lol. (when I wrote this I was thinking about Sara and Ava from Legends of Tomorrow) The dream takes place in the matrix. Also I was thinking about how in Revolution of the Daleks, Ryan tells the Doctor to figure out her past after that episode so like probable plot for the next season?<br/>I just passed 25,000 words on the draft and am very happy about it :) <br/>Please leave a comment if you liked it &amp; distract me from my property law homework thank you</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. the most powerful weapon we have</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>More time with Yaz &amp; the Doctor on the TARDIS</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>True to her word, the Doctor hadn’t slept since that night. She’d been lying to Yaz, of course - rule number one, the Doctor lies. Time Lords did sleep, occasionally. Some slept every few days or so, if they particularly liked sleeping. The Doctor had, on Darillium. After Darillium, she’d stopped sleeping because she always dreamed of River and it hurt too much to wake up. She slipped into unconsciousness sometimes, but only for an hour or so, and only a couple times per month. It was the only time she experienced dreamless sleep. If it could be called sleep.</p>
<p>The Doctor spent her days trying to take Yaz to beautiful places and instead ending up in war zones and on failing spaceships where they would save the day at the last possible moment, always a hair’s breadth from death. She knew she was being risky with Yaz, but she had to throw herself into danger and she was too afraid to do it alone. It was selfish, but she couldn’t stop.</p>
<p>At night, she would tinker with the TARDIS, doing repairs with the doors open so she could see one of her nebulae keeping her company. Sometimes she let the TARDIS orbit around what had once been Gallifrey. She had counted the dead long ago and had not forgotten. She would remember them. She was the only one left to remember. Even <i>he</i> was gone.</p>
<p>Sometimes Yaz would wake up in the night and come to check on her, bringing a blanket or tea or some real food that the Doctor wouldn’t eat. Every time it was something different. The Doctor tried the broccoli, but it wasn’t as good as she’d remembered. Maybe she’d been thinking of something else. Sometimes the Doctor would be orbiting Gallifery, counting the dead again in the middle of the night, and she’d notice Yaz sitting beside her. Other times she’d find Yaz asleep in the console room and have no memory of when she got there. She started to worry.</p>
<p>It had been about a month since the disaster with River when the Doctor once again found Yaz somehow asleep in the console room, despite all the banging noises and flying sparks from the Doctor’s repairs. “Yasmin,” she said quietly, touching Yaz’s shoulder tentatively like she was afraid she would scare her off.</p>
<p>“Hmm?” said Yaz, barely waking up. </p>
<p>“Why are you sleeping in the console room?” asked the Doctor. It had happened quite a few times, but this was the first time she’d addressed it.</p>
<p>Yaz opened her eyes halfway. “So you’re not lonely,” she said. </p>
<p>Oh. </p>
<p>The Doctor hadn’t realized until now how comforting it was to have Yaz near her during the long hours of the night when she was asleep and the Doctor had no one to distract her from her own thoughts. Back in the day, she used to party with River while her companions slept on the TARDIS. But that had been a long time ago, and she’d been a very different man. She could still go off and have her own adventures at night, but she wouldn’t because she didn’t want to be alone.</p>
<p>Yaz was gazing at her, still coming out of sleep. “Do you want me to leave?” she asked.</p>
<p>“No,” said the Doctor. <i>Please don’t leave me.</i> “It’s just, I’m worried that you’re not sleeping well.”</p>
<p>“Ditto,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“I don’t sleep,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>“And you don’t eat your vegetables, either,” said Yaz, rubbing her eyes and sitting up. “I wouldn’t be bothering you about it except the TARDIS keeps leaving me messages.”</p>
<p>“What!?” the Doctor scowled at the TARDIS. “I don’t need vegetables. I’m very good at staying alive.” </p>
<p>“Staying alive is different from thriving,” said Yaz. </p>
<p>“I am thriving!” </p>
<p>“You seem really sad, though.”</p>
<p>“I-” the Doctor’s denial died on her lips. She could lie to Yaz, but she was so tired of lying. And Yaz wouldn’t believe her, anyway. “I don’t want to talk about it.” She sat down next to Yaz.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Yaz. “You know I’m here for you, whenever, whatever you need.” </p>
<p>“What I need is to be able to change fixed points in time without breaking time,” said the Doctor. “I’m so tired of losing people.”</p>
<p>“Is this about River?” </p>
<p>“River, and everyone else.”</p>
<p>Yaz looked at her thoughtfully.</p>
<p>“What?” asked the Doctor.</p>
<p>“I’ve been thinking about how you’re avoiding the next entry in River’s diary,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“Am I avoiding it, or am I trying to make it last?” </p>
<p>“You’ve seemed sad ever since you came back,” said Yaz, “but worse since the last time we saw River. I just thought maybe if you told her who you were, you’d feel better. And you could stop worrying about her not remembering you.” </p>
<p>It was true, the Doctor constantly worried about how she had tried to modify River’s memory, worried that she’d messed it up or erased herself entirely. There was no way to know for sure without checking with River, or reading her diary. Which was exactly why she had done neither of those things.</p>
<p>“Either that or I make it even worse,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>“Maybe you should plan it out first, like what you want to say to her.”</p>
<p>“I don’t understand how her knowing who I am can not break the timeline, but I wouldn’t have told you it was okay for me to tell her if it wasn’t okay.” This had been puzzling the Doctor for some time. She was sure River hadn’t known about her extra regenerations when she had met eyebrows, and the River writing the diary entries hadn’t met eyebrows yet. </p>
<p>“I think the way you phrased it exactly was that River can figure it out,” said Yaz. “So maybe instead of telling her, you should show her.”</p>
<p>“How do I show her who I am when I’m so different from the Doctor she knows?”</p>
<p>“Do you love her?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>The Doctor opened her mouth to respond, but no words came out. She felt a thousand different feelings at once. She talked about love all the time, love for others, love for the universe. <i>Something I believe in my faith, love, in all its forms, is the most powerful weapon we have because love is a form of hope, and like hope, love abides in the face of everything.</i> But she had never said those words. Not ever, not to anyone. <i>The Doctor does not and has never loved me,</i> River had said. She was the woman who loved the Doctor, but <i>whoever said he loved me back? He's the Doctor. He doesn't go around falling in love with people.</i> And the Doctor had just smiled at her and said, <i>Hello Sweetie.</i> That was the closest she had ever come to saying it. Those twenty-four years on Darillium had been the Doctor trying to show River that she loved her. Showing, but never telling. <i>Does it need saying?</i> Maybe it did.</p>
<p>“I never told her,” she said to Yaz. A confession implied, but not stated. Never stated. She saw resignation on Yaz’s face as she looked way. Precious Yaz, always trying to help her and make her feel better. Flooding her with love in the darkest nightmare. “Yasmin,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>Yaz’s eyes flickered back up to hers, waiting. Hopeful, but guarded.</p>
<p>“I-” The Doctor wasn’t sure what she’d been planning to follow up with. She was thinking about Martha, and how she didn’t want that to happen to Yaz; she didn’t want Yaz to leave her. But she had to be sure that anything she said was true and genuine and not motivated by a fear of being abandoned. “Thank you for being here for me,” she went with.</p>
<p>“Of course,” said Yaz, nodding, almost hiding her disappointment.</p>
<p>“No,” said the Doctor. She couldn’t leave it at that. She reached out and cupped Yaz’s face with her hand again. “I need you to know that you’re important to me. River felt like I was the universe and she was just a blip on my timeline, but it’s not true. None of you are just blips on my timeline. You are so, so important to me.”</p>
<p>Yaz smiled. “You’re important to me too.” </p>
<p>The Doctor lowered her hand and smiled at Yaz for a moment. Then her smile disappeared. “I never told River.” </p>
<p>“You should,” said Yaz. “You still can.”</p>
<p>The Doctor sighed. “When I took this name, the Doctor, I swore to always be kind and never be cowardly. But I am a coward. I uploaded River’s consciousness to a data core in a library when she died, because I was too afraid to let her go. I left her there like a book on a shelf. And later on her data ghost would haunt me and I pretended not to see her because I was afraid it would hurt me too much. I finally told her I could see her, on Trenzalore, and I said she should have faded away. And then I said goodbye. Can you imagine how much that must have hurt her?” <i>There is a time to live and a time to sleep. You are an echo, River. Like Clara. Like all of us, in the end. My fault, I know, but you should've faded by now.</i> “If I tell her I- if I tell her now, either she doesn’t believe me or I break the timeline. Because she doesn’t believe it in the future.” <i>The Doctor does not and has never loved me.</i></p>
<p>“How sure are you that it would break the timeline?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>The Doctor thought back to that memory. River had been stalling for time, but her speech had been passionate. She’d been scanned by a truth scanner that read her as not lying. And the Doctor’s memories of that day were still clear, not muddled by any time traveling meddling. “Pretty sure,” she said. <i>River can find out who you are.</i> “I never said <i>when</i> River could find out who I was,” she realized. After the speech, before the library. Then River could learn who she was. That would work. But she’d have to figure out where River was without comparing diaries. “For now, I think I keep being Sonya. Until it’s time for her to find out.”</p>
<p>Yaz sighed. The Doctor wasn’t sure why. “Does it not suit me?”</p>
<p>Yaz laughed. “You and my sister are nothing alike,” she said. She looked like she was going to say something else too, but she didn’t. </p>
<p>The Doctor wasn’t sure how to respond to that. And Yaz looked tired. “Are you going to go to bed?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Are you going to read the next entry in the diary?” asked Yaz.</p>
<p>“I think I am,” said the Doctor. “Tomorrow morning, after I finish these repairs.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Yaz. “I’ll see you then.” After getting up and stretching, Yaz left the room to go sleep in an actual bed.</p>
<p>The Doctor thought about where to take River as she continued her repairs. She’d always thought she knew River fairly well, but now she wasn’t sure she knew River as well as she ought to. River was a master at hiding her emotions, she knew. <i>When one’s in love with an ageless god who insists on the face of a twelve-year-old, one does one’s best to hide the damage.</i> The Doctor had always looked away, but she knew. River liked cocktails, and she liked guns. The Doctor liked neither of those things. What else did River like? Jewels. Sparkly things. That was something the Doctor could appreciate.</p>
<p>And the botanical gardens of the planet of Versader would be perfect. It was one of the many places the Doctor had always thought about taking River. The flowers grew gemstones and everything there glittered. The Doctor smiled to herself. Tomorrow.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>who thinks it's not going to be perfect?</p>
<p>thank you for the kudos &amp; comments! please leave more comments to motivate me to finish writing the next 3 chapters</p>
<p>also, I made a fanart/photoshopped cover photo for this fic! it's on my doctor who sideblog <a href="https://thirteenandgalaxies.tumblr.com/post/645388215403053056/loving-the-stars-themselves-chapter-1">here</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. unless there's children crying</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor reads the next entry in River's diary.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter's had a bit less proofreading than usual, so I apologize for any typos/errors!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>True to her word, the Doctor read the next entry in River’s diary in the morning. That is, in the morning, after Yaz had eaten breakfast, pressured the Doctor to eat something, and brought up River’s diary no fewer than five times.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said the Doctor, finally. “I’ll read River’s diary.” She took a shaky breath, thinking about how she would have to interact with River as a stranger, trying to take her on their first date. Not terrifying at all. She opened the diary to the second entry that was marked by a post-it note.</p>
<p>
  <i>Sweetie,</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Being ejected from a spaceship. Could use a lift.</i>
</p>
<p>Once again, River had included time-space coordinates in high Gallifreyan. </p>
<p>The Doctor programmed the coordinates into the TARDIS and only hesitated for a moment before pulling the lever. As soon as they arrived, she opened the doors of the TARDIS and held out her arms to catch River, just like she had all those ages ago. She was hit by a wave of nostalgia. Just like before, River had positioned the TARDIS perfectly to catch her as she drifted through outer space, close enough that the TARDIS’s shields would protect her from any injuries from the vacuum of space, but far enough away that whoever was after her wouldn’t be able to easily jump across before they got the doors shut. </p>
<p>“Thanks for the lift,” said River, immediately spinning out of the Doctor’s arms. “The mission got derailed but it’s important. I could use a hand with this.”</p>
<p>“What is it?” asked the Doctor uneasily (although grateful that River seemed to recognize her). </p>
<p>“It’s a child,” said River. </p>
<p>Immediately, thoughts of the botanical gardens of Versader evaporated from the Doctor’s mind. “What’s the situation?”</p>
<p>River walked past her to the console and pulled up a map with her sonic trowel. “Here’s a map of the ship,” she said, as the Doctor and Yaz joined on either side of her to see it. “The child is being held here,” River pointed. “Her name is Ayla and she’s the crown princess of Khego. The ship belongs to their rivals, the Kemoths. In addition to Ayla, they have civilian hostages in custody. Sonya, do you have experience with children?”</p>
<p>“I- I do,” said the Doctor, thinking of not only her own children and grandchildren but also Craig and little Alfie, Clara’s students, and the children who had been with her on Trenzalore. And a little girl on Starship UK, many years ago and many years in the future. <i>So this is how it works, Doctor? You never interfere in the affairs of other peoples or planets, unless there’s children crying?</i> So many children, dead and gone now.</p>
<p>“The plan is this. We go back in time to a few minutes before I’m ejected from the ship. I will be the distraction, taking down as many Kemoths as possible - stun setting - and I want you to get Ayla. And Yaz, you go here,” River pointed again, “and get the civilians out. I have more guns on board the TARDIS that we can take.” River looked at the Doctor sharply, as the Doctor tried to have a neutral facial expression about the idea that River had guns on board the TARDIS. “The Doctor isn’t here, is he?” River asked.</p>
<p>“Just us,” said the Doctor. It wasn’t technically a lie.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said River. She looked a little disappointed, but not surprised. “We can do this.”</p>
<p>“Yes we can,” said Yaz, glancing at the Doctor out of the corner of her eye, as if to check for confirmation. The Doctor gave a little nod. After all, every mission was dangerous. No reason to be more concerned about this mission in particular.</p>
<p>River led the way deep into the TARDIS to a room that was full of weapons. The Doctor couldn’t keep the surprise off her face.</p>
<p>River smirked. “Even the Doctor doesn’t know about this room,” she said. “Here you are. Yaz - four for you, so the civilians can help. One for Sonya. And comm dots.”</p>
<p>The Doctor took the comm dot and a gun from River. She felt like if she refused, she would give herself away. And besides, stun setting, right? She inspected the gun. It appeared to <i>only</i> have a stun setting. The TARDIS seemed to chuckle in the back of the Doctor’s mind. As if she would allow deadly weapons on board, even if it was River. </p>
<p>River saw her inspecting the gun. “The TARDIS changes all guns to stun only when they come on board,” she explained. “Aside from my personal gun, that is. We have an understanding.” </p>
<p>The Doctor tried to hide her smile. It wasn’t often that she felt like the TARDIS sided with her rather than River.</p>
<p>“Okay, are we ready?” asked River.</p>
<p>“Let’s do this,” said the Doctor. <i>When people need help, I never refuse.</i></p>
<p>River piloted the TARDIS to a spot inside the spaceship that she said had been empty when she’d run through a few minutes ago. Silently, the three of them exited the TARDIS and split up.</p>
<p>River’s distraction was highly effective. The Doctor ducked into a corner as multiple guards raced past. After a few minutes of walking through the tunnels of the ship, she could see the guards outside the room Ayla was being held in. Ignoring her gun, the Doctor used her sonic screwdriver to jam their weapons and loop their vision and audio receptors within their helmets. She snuck past them and soniced the door open. Inside, there was a Khegonian child in restraints. She looked to be about seven.</p>
<p>“Who are you?” the child asked.</p>
<p>“Hi Ayla, I’m Sonya; I’m here to take you home,” said the Doctor, as she soniced the restraints open.</p>
<p>“You aren’t my rescuer,” said Ayla, not moving from her position. “Who are you?” </p>
<p>“Oh!” said the Doctor, realizing. “You’re Khegonian! Long-range telepaths. Did your people send you a picture of who they were sending to rescue you?”</p>
<p>Ayla nodded.</p>
<p>“Can I show you who I think you mean?” asked the Doctor, extending a hand.</p>
<p>Ayla reached out and lightly touched her hand, closing her eyes. </p>
<p>The Doctor let down her mental barriers and pictured River. “Is this who you saw coming to rescue you?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” said Ayla.</p>
<p>“She’s my wife,” said the Doctor, infusing her feelings with as much truth as she could. “She’s on the ship right now, and she asked me to help. Is that okay?” She broke the connection. It had been difficult keeping her name away from the child without drawing attention to it, but she couldn’t have Ayla telling the River who she really was. </p>
<p>“Okay,” said Ayla, and she got up and clung to the Doctor’s coat. </p>
<p>“Stay close, Ayla,” said the Doctor. “I’m taking you to my spaceship.” </p>
<p>“What about my people?” </p>
<p>The Doctor felt her hearts hurt. Only seven years old, and the crown princess was worried about her people while her own life was in danger. “Another one of my friends is getting them out,” she said. “We’re all going to meet up at the spaceship.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Ayla again, this time with purpose. She let go of the Doctor’s coat, but stayed close as the Doctor led her past the guards - who were just now beginning to get confused about their looped audio and visuals - and back down the surprisingly sparse tunnels. River’s distraction must have been incredible. </p>
<p>“It’s bigger on the inside!” said Ayla when they made it to the TARDIS.</p>
<p>“Yes it is,” said the Doctor. “Will you be okay here while I go out and help my friends rescue the rest of your people?”</p>
<p>Ayla nodded. “I trust you,” she said. </p>
<p>“And I trust you too,” said the Doctor. “Don’t leave the ship; she has forcefields so no one can get in who we don’t want to get in.” Then she went back out and headed in the direction Yaz had gone.</p>
<p>The Doctor turned on her comm dot mic. “Yaz, River, Ayla is safe,” she said. “What’s your status?”</p>
<p>Yaz’s voice was a whisper. “The hostages are tied up in a room with five guards that haven’t responded to River’s diversion. I could use some help.”</p>
<p>“On my way,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>River didn’t respond. The Doctor figured she must be busy with her diversion.</p>
<p>After a few minutes of walking toward the location of the hostages, The Doctor saw Yaz up ahead, flattened against the wall around the corner from where the hostages were, and across the hall from the Doctor. The Doctor crept toward the corner of her wall so she could see the guards. Carefully, she pulled out her sonic screwdriver. Yaz shot her a look, concerned, but the Doctor mouthed ‘trust me!’ at her and soniced the guards, jamming their weapons and looping their visuals inside their helmets. </p>
<p>“Okay, go,” she whispered into the comm dot, and she and Yaz entered the room at the same time. Yaz didn’t hesitate before hitting four of the guards with her stun gun. Surprising herself, the Doctor took out the fifth guard. She froze for a minute, remembering the Time War. When she’d said <i>No More.</i> No more guns. <i>It’s just a stun gun,</i> she thought. <i>It’s not the same.</i> The gun slid from her grasp onto the ground. </p>
<p>Yaz was already working to untie the hostages and get them ready to move.</p>
<p>“D-Sonya,” Yaz said, apparently realizing her comm dot mic was still on. “Can you help?”</p>
<p>The Doctor shook herself out of her memories. “Yeah, sorry.” Using her sonic, she easily undid the rest of the ties on the hostages. One of them picked up the gun she had dropped. </p>
<p>“Alright, we have someone doing a distraction in another part of the ship, so the halls are mostly empty,” Yaz said to the Khegonians. </p>
<p>“Do you have the princess!?” one of them asked.</p>
<p>“Ayla’s safe on board my ship,” said the Doctor. </p>
<p>“We’re taking you to her,” said Yaz. “Is everyone okay? Anyone injured?”</p>
<p>The Khegonians - there were ten of them, the Doctor counted, and all adults - looked like they were mostly okay. A few bruises here and there, but all of them were able to walk. </p>
<p>“Alright,” said Yaz. “I’ll lead the way. Sonya, you take the rear?”</p>
<p>“On it,” said the Doctor. She was starting to get worried that they hadn’t heard anything from River, but she knew there should be two of them to escort the hostages. Even though they had a few stun guns among them now, she had no idea how good they were in a fight. </p>
<p>The group was halfway to the TARDIS when River’s comm dot started broadcasting to theirs.</p>
<p>“Tell us where she is,” said a Kemoth.</p>
<p>“She’s already off the ship,” said River. “You will never find her.” </p>
<p>The Doctor froze. River was in trouble, and she was signaling them to leave with Ayla. She turned off her comm dot mic and ran up to Yaz, signaling for Yaz to do the same.</p>
<p>“What’s the plan?” asked Yaz. </p>
<p>“I have to help her,” said the Doctor. “I’ll help you program the flight path for the TARDIS, and you get Ayla and the others out of here.” </p>
<p>“I’m not leaving you here,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>The Doctor shook her head. “You’re not. Kemoth ships always have pilotable escape pods, and we’re not that far from Khego. Give me about three hours - five hours, actually, to be on the safe side - to meet you there. And if I don’t, you know what to do in an emergency.” </p>
<p>“The telepathic circuits,” said Yaz. </p>
<p>The Doctor nodded. “The telepathic circuits can take you to me. And if that doesn’t work for some reason, they can also take you home. The TARDIS will help you.” They were approaching the TARDIS.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Yaz. </p>
<p>The Doctor ran into the TARDIS, frantically plotting in the location of Khego. “Just pull the final lever and it should be good to go,” she said to Yaz, heading toward the door.</p>
<p>“Wait!” said Yaz, running after her.</p>
<p>The Doctor paused, and Yaz hugged her tightly. “Be safe,” she said.</p>
<p>“I promise,” said the Doctor, hugging her back. “Okay, get them out of here.”</p>
<p>“Take this,” said Yaz, handing the Doctor her stun gun.</p>
<p>The Doctor looked down at it uncomfortably, but she took it anyway. “I’ll see you soon, Yasmin Khan,” she said, then she turned around and left the TARDIS without looking back. The TARDIS powered up and disappeared behind her. She tried not to feel stranded, and turned her comm dot back on.</p>
<p>“River?”</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>Then, “What are you still doing here!?” River voice was barely a whisper.</p>
<p>“Yaz took everyone on the TARDIS, but I’m getting you out of here,” said the Doctor. “Where are you?”</p>
<p>“Not sure. Somewhere in the northeast quadrant of the ship. Only a few guards are conscious right now - they’re looking for Ayla - but the others might start waking up soon.” </p>
<p>“Got it.” The Doctor began sneaking through the ship in River’s direction, carefully stepping over unconscious Kemoth guards. She could hear some searching the ship for Ayla and the other hostages, but they seemed to be moving away from River’s location.</p>
<p>Finally, the Doctor spotted a room with several Kemoth guards. Six of them. Unlike the previous guards, however, these ones weren’t wearing their helmets, so the Doctor wouldn’t be able to mess with their audio and visual feeds. If she used her sonic screwdriver to jam their weapons, they would hear her before she could get to all of them, and then she’d be toast. She looked down at her gun. <i>No More.</i> But it was River. Taking a deep breath, she accessed part of her memories she’d never wanted to think about again. Then, like choreography, she spun out of her hiding spot and took out all of the guards before they even knew what was happening. <i>Still got it,</i> the Doctor thought in a brief moment of pride, before she was overtaken by a sick feeling and doubled over in pain, the gun dropping from her grasp.</p>
<p>“Sonya!” across the room, River managed to struggle out of her restraints and ran over to her. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?”</p>
<p>“I don’t do guns,” said the Doctor through gritted teeth. “I’m fine.” Steeling herself, she stood up again.</p>
<p>River picked up the gun the Doctor had dropped. “That was pretty impressive,” she said. “Come on, I saw where they keep the escape pods earlier.” Then, she gently grasped the Doctor’s arm and began pulling her out of the room. </p>
<p>The Doctor allowed River to pull her all the way to the escape pods. They only ran into a few conscious guards on the way, who River dealt with easily. Then the Doctor found herself in a small escape pod that River was piloting to Khego.</p>
<p>“We’re about an hour out from Khego,” said River.</p>
<p>The Doctor nodded. “I told Yaz to give me five hours to meet her before starting a rescue mission, so we should be good.” </p>
<p>“I suppose I should thank you for getting me out,” said River.</p>
<p>“I’m sure you would have managed on your own, eventually.” </p>
<p>“Probably,” River agreed. “Where did you learn how to use a gun?”</p>
<p>The Doctor just stared out the window of the escape pod, not thinking about the Time War, taking in the stars around them, grateful that the pod had shields and couldn’t be easily shot out of the sky by the mothership, which didn’t appear to have noticed them. Probably because so many of the Kemoths were unconscious. Not thinking about the Time War. Not thinking about the Time War.</p>
<p>“That’s fair,” River said to the Doctor’s silence. After a moment, “How did you meet the Doctor?”</p>
<p>The Doctor tried to keep a neutral facial expression as she internally panicked. She hadn’t thought about that question. How did she usually meet her companions? “There was an alien invasion on my planet,” she said, “and after the Doctor came to help, he invited me to travel with him.” Her brain had gone completely blank and she hadn’t been able to come up with any details.</p>
<p>River’s silence indicated that she had noticed the lack of details. “How long have you been traveling together?” she asked. Her tone was friendly, like she was just trying to break the ice rather than interrogate the Doctor.</p>
<p>“Um, it’s hard to tell with all the timey-wimey,” said the Doctor. “Five years? Ten years?” </p>
<p>“So you’ve been together a long time,” said River. “You must know him well.”</p>
<p>The Doctor tried to figure out where this conversation was going. “I suppose,” she said. “He doesn’t talk about himself much.” That was true, at least.</p>
<p>“Does he talk about me?” River asked. The Doctor looked at her, and now River was avoiding her eyes, looking out the window on the other side of the pod. </p>
<p>“Yes,” said the Doctor, hoping that was the least painful answer she could give.</p>
<p>River smiled slightly. “How well do you know me?” she asked. “In the future.”</p>
<p>“Um, spoilers,” said the Doctor. She fidgeted with her hands as an awkward silence settled down around them. After a moment, she had an idea and soniced the pod’s controls to speed up the return journey. River didn’t comment. She looked deep in thought.</p>
<p>— </p>
<p>When they finally arrived on the planet - a whole twenty-three minutes later - Yaz had already returned Ayla and the others to the Khegonians’ main governmental building. The Doctor and River walked inside, and River made a beeline for Ayla.</p>
<p>“Hello Ayla,” said River. “I’m glad to see you’re safe. Sorry I wasn’t able to come get you myself.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” said Ayla. “Your wife showed me a picture of you so I knew you sent her.” </p>
<p>The Doctor froze. She’d forgotten.</p>
<p>“My wife?” River turned and looked up at Sonya.</p>
<p>“Spoilers,” said the Doctor, more abruptly than intended. She felt blood rushing to her face.</p>
<p>River just grinned at her. “Second wife achievement, unlocked.” </p>
<p>The Doctor couldn’t help herself. The corners of her mouth twitched up into a smile. Then she turned away to check in with Yaz.</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>After River had gotten her payment and they’d returned to the TARDIS, the Doctor had a feeling that River had something to say to her. However, it wasn’t what she’d expected.</p>
<p>“I bet you had a headache after the last time I saw you,” said River.</p>
<p>“What?” the Doctor asked, genuinely confused.</p>
<p>“I don’t know what you did, but I think you tampered with my memory.”</p>
<p>The Doctor bit her lip, feeling equal parts guilty and afraid. “There was a spoiler,” she started. </p>
<p>“I get it,” said River. “But you should know. I’m part Time Lord, and I’ve had a lot of experience with memory wipes. I’m not a fan.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” said the Doctor. </p>
<p>“I don’t remember anything particularly spoiler-y,” said River, “so I assume it worked. I have no idea how an Arkinsean would be able to mess with my memory at all, but I wanted to give you a heads up that it would likely have side effects.”</p>
<p>“…Yeah,” said the Doctor. Of course. Why hadn’t she thought of that?</p>
<p>River looked genuinely concerned. “Are you okay?” she asked. “No nasty side effects?”</p>
<p>“Totally, I’m completely okay,” said the Doctor unconvincingly, turning away from her to stare into the TARDIS console.</p>
<p>River nodded slowly. Another uncomfortable silence.</p>
<p>“So,” said the Doctor, pushing forward despite her fears, “given that, as you know, we end up getting married, I was wondering if you’d like to… go somewhere. With me.”</p>
<p>“It’s a date,” said River immediately, brightening. “But not today. I’ve just been a stowaway on a ship for a few days and I need a shower and a nap. I’ll save it for a rainy day, leave you a note, and you can just skip ahead. Time machine, right?”</p>
<p>The Doctor smiled back at her. “Time machine, absolutely. Take you home?”</p>
<p>“You know where I live?” River asked.</p>
<p>The Doctor hesitated. “Not sure exactly where you are in your timeline,” she said. </p>
<p>“I’m a professor at the university,” said River. “I’m thinking about taking a sabbatical, though. Do some research.” </p>
<p>“You have a house a few blocks from Luna University?” the Doctor guessed.</p>
<p>“That’s the one,” said River. “Unless I get a different one later, of course.” </p>
<p>“Spoilers,” said the Doctor, piloting the TARDIS to the only house River had ever had on the moon after she’d been released from Stormcage.</p>
<p>“It was nice to see you again,” River said. “Just try to avoid messing with my memory from now on.”</p>
<p>The Doctor nodded. “Do not want to do that again,” she muttered. </p>
<p>River laughed. “I knew it. Side effects.”</p>
<p>The TARDIS landed.</p>
<p>The Doctor looked up at River, not sure what to say. She didn’t know how to interact with her wife who knew she was her wife but didn’t know who she was or that they’d been married for so, so many years.</p>
<p>“Skip ahead,” said River. “I’ll leave you a note.”</p>
<p>“Absolutely,” said the Doctor.</p>
<p>Then River was gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you all for all the comments on the last chapter :) they made my day &amp; were immensely helpful in giving me the motivation to go back and rewrite half of this chapter bc the first draft wasn't angsty enough. </p>
<p>while I am working on the First Official Date (entry #3), I have plot elements for entries #4 and #5 but if anyone has suggestions for when/where River and 13 should go, feel free to leave suggestions :) <br/>and real question: would River realistically ask 13/"Sonya" to come over and watch star wars with her? and then would 13 do it? or would they be interrupted by a crisis?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. the botanical gardens</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor's "first" date with her [future/past] wife</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Doctor waited an hour before reading the next diary entry. She’d wanted to put it off, savor it, but she just missed her so much.</p><p>“You should do it,” said Yaz. “River told you to skip ahead, and you still a bunch of other visits left.”</p><p>“Just a few,” said the Doctor, holding the diary near her face and inhaling like she was trying to see if the diary still smelled like River (of course it didn’t; it had been in the Doctor’s possession for hundreds of years). Then she opened the diary.</p><p>
  <i>Dearest future wife,</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Please pick me up for our date at: </i>
</p><p>Another string of coordinates in high Gallifreyan. The Doctor wondered for the first time whether River thought that her fictional persona, Sonya, could read high Gallifreyan or if the Doctor was translating it for her. She decided not to worry about it, and began piloting the TARDIS to her destination.</p><p>“I’ll be in the library,” Yaz announced. “I found a new book to read. But you know where I am if you need me.”</p><p>The Doctor nodded, barely listening as the TARDIS landed. She opened the door. She was in River’s living room.</p><p>“Just a moment!” River called from another room.</p><p>The Doctor wandered around the room. There were photos scattered around on different surfaces, mostly of Amy, Rory, and the Doctor. A few faces the Doctor didn’t recognize. She was looking at a photo of all four of them - the Doctor, Amy, Rory, and River - when River came into the living room.</p><p>“Those are my parents,” she said. She sounded just a little sad.</p><p>The Doctor turned around to look at her, trying to gauge where she was in the timeline. “They look nice,” she said awkwardly. She noticed that River was wearing one of her usual outfits, which made her feel better about the fact that she hadn’t dressed up earlier. As much as she loved a suit, she’d been hesitant to put that much pressure on today.</p><p>River nodded, looking like she was trying to see something in the Doctor’s eyes. “Do you know about them?” she asked. “I know the Doctor doesn’t like to talk about his past companions much.” </p><p>The Doctor hesitated, not sure how much she should give away. “Yes,” she said. </p><p>“Do you know what happened to them?” River asked.</p><p>“Yes,” the Doctor said again.</p><p>River took a shuddering breath. “Sorry. It was just yesterday, for me. I should have waited longer to call on you, but… rainy day, you know?”</p><p>The Doctor felt a wave of grief. “Of course,” she said. “Anything you need.” </p><p>River smiled slightly, a sad smile, and walked closer to the Doctor. “You might already know this, but my husband, the Doctor, is not great with grief. I could really use a friend who understands what happened.” </p><p>The Doctor nodded. “I’m here for you. Always.” She really hadn’t been good with grief, had she?</p><p>River took the Doctor’s hand and laced their fingers together. “Where did you have in mind for us to go?” she asked.</p><p>“I was thinking of the botanical gardens of Versader, where the flowers grow gemstones,” said the Doctor, once her brain started functioning again. “But we can go wherever you want.”</p><p>River shook her head. “That sounds lovely.” </p><p>The Doctor led River into the TARDIS.</p><p>“Is anyone else here?” asked River.</p><p>“Yaz said she’d be in the library,” said the Doctor. She realized then that she probably should have taken Yaz home, but somehow it was comforting to know that Yaz was nearby.</p><p>River nodded. “Is the Doctor alright?” she asked. “Have you seen him recently?”</p><p>“He’s fine,” said the Doctor. She bit her lip. “I’m sorry he’s not here.”</p><p>“It’s probably best,” said River. “So long as he’s alright.” </p><p><i>He loves you,</i> the Doctor wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out. Instead, she piloted the TARDIS to Versader. When they landed, she offered her hand to River, who accepted it, and they walked into the gardens together.</p><p>The botanical gardens were housed in a giant greenhouse, so it was warm and humid. There were several different types of plants, but the ones that grew gemstones were tall and cylindrical, like bamboo, but with flowers shooting off at various heights. The flowers resembled lilies in bright shades of blue, pink, gold, and silver, with matching gemstones inside. The pollinators that buzzed around the area were multicolored and also glittered like jewels in the sunlight. The flowers gave off a sweet - but not overwhelming - scent, and there was a stone pathway winding through the gardens, interspersed by the occasional bench and informational plaque. </p><p>“Sonya, this is beautiful,” said River, gazing in wonder at the plants that stretched up and up toward the highest dome of the greenhouse. At the very top, glittering birds soared while echoing melodies back and forth.</p><p>“It’s one of my favorite places,” said the Doctor. She had a lot of favorite places. This one had just become more favorited by the fact that she’d come here with River.</p><p>They strolled through the gardens for a while in peaceful silence, then River gently pulled the Doctor over to a bench where they sat together.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about your parents?” the Doctor asked softly, not sure exactly how to help someone deal with grief. She’d helped Graham by just letting him spend time traveling the world, because grief needed time to heal. She wouldn’t be able to do the same thing with River.</p><p>“Did you ever meet them?” River asked.</p><p>The Doctor thought for a moment. Based on where she had placed herself relative to River’s timeline, she couldn’t have met them. “No,” she said, “but the Doctor used to talk about them.” </p><p>“I spent so long trying to find them,” said River, “after I was abducted as a newborn. And then I finally did find them, but they were my age, so we grew up together. And then they were traveling with the Doctor and I’d visit them, but I’d regenerated, so I was just a stranger to them. There was such a short time when they knew they were my parents, and then the angels happened. I wouldn’t trade them for the world, but it feels like I barely got to have parents at all.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” said the Doctor, hoping that was a helpful thing to say.</p><p>“Can’t imagine what it was like for them, either,” said River. “They basically had a baby, then found out they already knew me as an adult <i>and</i> I was their childhood friend, and then suddenly they never saw me again.” She took a shuddering breath. “When it happened - yesterday - Dad got sent back by the weeping angel first, and Mother was asking if she would be sent back to the same time, and the Doctor wouldn’t tell her. Like he didn’t want her to go. And I didn’t want her to go either, but I told her it was her best chance. <i>I</i> had to be the one to tell her to go, so they could be together.”</p><p>Carefully, the Doctor tried putting an arm around River’s shoulders, and immediately River leaned into the Doctor’s shoulder. </p><p>“I’m never going to see them again,” said River, her voice choked up by unshed tears.</p><p>The Doctor leaned her head on River’s, not sure what she could say to make this better.</p><p>“And then the Doctor asked me to travel with him, and I had to say no, because I knew he couldn’t handle my grief.”</p><p>“You’re probably right,” said the Doctor, blinking rapidly as her eyes threatened to start watering. Useless. She’d been so useless.</p><p>“He just can’t ever stay still,” said River. “Like this. Right now. This is what I needed. Not gallivanting across the universe running from crisis to crisis, trying to distract myself from ever feeling anything.”</p><p>The Doctor bit her lip again. “But is this planet okay? Or would you rather be at home?”</p><p>River lifted her head to look at the Doctor. “No, this is perfect,” she said. “It’s peaceful.”</p><p>The Doctor tried to smile, tried to focus on doing something right, this time.</p><p>“And I’m sorry I keep talking about the Doctor,” said River, nestling her head back down on the Doctor’s shoulder. </p><p>“I don’t mind,” said the Doctor. She minded a little bit, but only because it was so painful to think about how she had utterly failed River. </p><p>“Do you…” River was playing with one of the Doctor’s hands. “Do you read Gallifreyan?”</p><p>The coordinates, the Doctor realized. River was trying to see if the Doctor - her Doctor - knew about this. “The TARDIS can translate,” she said. That wasn’t a lie, not anymore, now that the TARDIS was translating Gallifreyan for Yaz. </p><p>River gently let go of the Doctor’s hand and was silent for a long time.</p><p>“He doesn’t… mind…” said the Doctor awkwardly. Of course, younger her <i>would</i> have minded, but she was referring to the present Doctor, so that was just a technicality. </p><p>“Did you read my diary?” asked River.</p><p>The Doctor hastily constructed a story. “So, in the future I guess, you said it was okay, but I erased my memory afterwards, so I only have excerpts where you said to meet you, and everything else is censored out. So yes I have read your diary, technically, but I don’t remember it at all.” It was close enough to the truth.</p><p>“Hmm,” said River, lacing her fingers in the Doctor’s hand again. “Pity you don’t remember. I could use a good spoiler right about now.” Her tone was studiously casual. </p><p>“Here’s a spoiler that’s relatively safe,” said the Doctor. “You’ll see the Doctor again, and you’ll see me again.”</p><p>River smiled up at her. “That’s excellent news. I quite enjoy having a husband <i>and</i> a wife. And a few others, of course.”</p><p>The Doctor laughed softly, remembering the last time she’d encountered River’s other spouses.</p><p>“What about Yaz?” asked River.</p><p>“You’ll probably see her again,” said the Doctor. </p><p>“No, Sonya,” River pulled away from her to face her properly. “<i>You</i> and Yaz.” </p><p>“Yaz and I aren’t married in the future,” said the Doctor. “Or at least, I don’t think we are. I haven’t checked.” </p><p>“Hmm,” said River, with a mischievous smile.</p><p>“River!” said the Doctor. “Yaz and I aren’t together. I asked. Or rather, her mum asked her and she said we weren’t together.” </p><p>“Okay, okay, I believe you,” said River. “But you know I certainly wouldn’t mind.”</p><p>“I know,” said the Doctor. “But I don’t… I mean, she’s so young and I’m like-”</p><p>“Thirty-eight?” guessed River. “And I’m in my hundreds.” </p><p>“Uh, something like that,” muttered the Doctor. “But anyway, it doesn’t matter. It’s not like how we feel about each other changes just because of the label we put on it.” </p><p>“Of course,” said River, leaning forward and kissing the Doctor on the cheek.</p><p>The Doctor gaped at her for a moment. It had been so long for her since she’d experienced that.</p><p>“I think I like you, future wife,” said River. </p><p>The Doctor smiled at her. Head empty. No words, only River. </p><p>“Want to come back to my place for tea?” asked River.</p><p>“Tea at River’s, brilliant.”</p><p>—</p><p>River seemed sad again when they got back to the TARDIS, and still sad over tea.</p><p>“Can I… Is there anything that would help?” asked the Doctor, sipping her tea with seven sugars in it. </p><p>“I just miss them,” said River. “There were so many things I never got to tell them about, or I never got to experience with them.”</p><p>“It’s a horrible feeling,” said the Doctor.</p><p>“Have you lost people?”</p><p>“Yes,” said the Doctor. She wanted to elaborate, but she didn’t know how to elaborate without giving away who she was. River thought she was only thirty-eight, but she’d lost grandchildren. </p><p>River didn’t push, and instead walked around her living room looking at the photos.</p><p>They passed the rest of the day with River telling the Doctor stories about her parents, some that the Doctor knew, and others she didn’t. She loved being able to remember Amy and Rory with River - even if she couldn’t reveal that she’d known them, and known them well - but she could feel her own grief encroaching upon her. It was almost a relief when River suggested she was getting tired.</p><p>“Do you want to stay?” River asked.</p><p>She did. More than anything. “That’s alright,” she said. If she stayed, there was no way she’d be able to keep the tears at bay. She couldn’t keep up the charade of Sonya for much longer. “Another time?” she said.</p><p>“Of course,” said River.</p><p>Then they said goodbye, and they didn’t kiss because the Doctor felt like it was too early in their fictional relationship and also if she kissed River she was absolutely going to break down crying and not be able to leave. She’d see her again. She’d see her again. This was only their third meeting out of nine. It was going to be okay.</p><p>And that was how she found herself back on the TARDIS, in the time vortex, hiding in one of the many rooms in the TARDIS where she knew Yaz wouldn’t find her. Not yet. She’d go back to doing maintenance on the console when she was ready.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I think I need to work on my ability to write descriptions so if anyone has suggestions for resources on writing better descriptions I'm interested :)</p><p>also thank you for all the comments! you all are so nice. the next chapter is about halfway written. I thought I'd write a bunch over spring break and instead I just got really tired. also lol the first time I posted this I forgot to name the chapter</p><p>For age context within this fic: Mandip Gill (actress for Yaz) is is 33 (and Jodie Whittaker is 38) and as a 26-year-old, I honestly cannot believe/like my brain will not accept that on-screen Yaz is only like 21-22 at this point (a whole 10+ years younger than the actress?) so I think in my fic I'm considering her to be at least my age (26). </p><p>also surprise, I really did mean my tags! including #the platonic/romantic binary is a lie (this is my personal belief, just that not ALL relationships have to be placed 100% into either romantic OR platonic, that different relationships can be different, etc.) and I'd like to direct you to <a href="https://www.alokvmenon.com/blog/2017/2/15/friendship-is-romance">this poem by Alok Vaid-Menon</a>; I think it's really relevant for the Doctor as a character; thank you for coming to my ted talk :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. when you're really okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor is trying harder. Smiling brighter. Forcing everything to be okay. :)</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>psa angst ahead! if you aren't in the mood for angst today, feel free to wait a little bit until the next chapter has been posted. :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After the visit with River, the Doctor thought she was doing a better job at acting like a functional person. She still wasn’t sleeping, of course, and continued to live off exclusively custard creams and tea, but she tried harder. Smiled brighter. Managed to take Yaz to a few places that weren’t war zones or failing spaceships. Sometimes. One time. Sort of. </p>
<p>At night, when Yaz was sleeping, the Doctor kept returning to the empty husk of a planet that had once been Gallifrey. She kept thinking about <i>him</i>. Him and her, her and him, them, best enemies. <i>She's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.</i> The only person left who knew her, before; the only piece of home left, gone. No one would ever understand again.</p>
<p>The thought struck her like a blow to the hearts.</p>
<p>No one to remember what it was like growing up on Gallifrey. No one who knew of the nights she’d cried, alone in the barn, not wanting the other boys to hear. No one to remember the academy, or what it meant to look into the untempered schism. No one who could see time the way she did, who could <i>feel</i> if something was a fixed point in time. No one to appreciate the beauty of time.</p>
<p>
  <i>Contact.</i>
</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>
  <i>Contact.</i>
</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>
  <i>Contact.</i>
</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>She was sitting in the doorway of the TARDIS, staring unseeing at the planet with tear tracks on her face when Yaz appeared next to her again. She wasn’t sure if she wanted Yaz there or if she wanted to be left alone.</p>
<p>“You’re not sleeping,” said Yaz, after they had been sitting in silence for a long time.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” said the Doctor. She was fine. This was what fine meant for her. <i>I’m always alright.</i></p>
<p>“The TARDIS is leaving food for you on my bed every time I go to my room,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>That got the Doctor’s attention. That was weird, right? The TARDIS had never done something like that before. “Are you sure it’s for me and not for you?” she asked.</p>
<p>Yaz reached behind her and displayed a plate of blue jelly. “Does this look like something I’d eat?”</p>
<p>The corners of the Doctor’s mouth twitched. She used to love blue jelly. A long time ago. Back when she wasn’t the very last Time Lord who wasn’t really a Time Lord after all. Or was she the original, the most Time Lord of them all? Did it matter, if there was no one else left? <i>I am alone. Abandoned in the dark.</i></p>
<p>“Hey,” said Yaz, reaching up and brushing away a tear the Doctor didn’t even realize was on her face. “What’s wrong?”</p>
<p>The Doctor shook her head slightly. “Nothing’s wrong,” she said, trying to ignore that her voice cracked when she spoke. Biting her lip, to try to keep it from shaking.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” said Yaz, leaning over and hugging her. And not letting go.</p>
<p>The Doctor took a deep breath. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” she said. Push them away. Push them away before they get too close and it hurts too much. </p>
<p>Yaz let go of her. “I can give you space, if you want,” she said. “But you have to tell me you need space. Don’t just push me away.” </p>
<p>The Doctor looked down, letting her hair fall and hide her face. She tried to tell Yaz she needed space. She really tried.</p>
<p>“What’s going on?” Yaz asked. </p>
<p>“You won’t understand,” said the Doctor. </p>
<p>“Try me.”</p>
<p>The Doctor looked up at her. This would push her away for sure. “The Master,” she said. “He was my oldest friend, and I- even after everything he did. If he’s gone, there’s no one left. He was the only person I ever met who was even remotely like me. No one will ever understand me again.”</p>
<p>The Doctor had expected Yaz to be angry, but instead she looked thoughtful. “I can’t imagine losing my entire world,” Yaz said. “Like if Earth was gone, and I was the only human left.”</p>
<p>Somehow, Yaz’s reaction made her angry. “No, you can’t,” the Doctor snapped. “And you can’t imagine what it’s like to live so long that you’re always just watching everyone else die.” </p>
<p>The Doctor couldn’t stand the look of hurt that was on Yaz’s face in response to what she’d said. There was no coming back from this. “Go to bed, Yaz,” she said. </p>
<p>Yaz started to get up, then stopped. “Just because I won’t live as long as you doesn’t mean the time we are together isn’t important. I know I’m important to you.” </p>
<p>The Doctor wouldn’t look at her. She was right. But it hurt too much.</p>
<p>Finally, Yaz left. And the Doctor stayed. </p>
<p>
  <i>Contact.</i>
</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>
  <i>Contact.</i>
</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>
  <i>Contact.</i>
</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>The next day, the Doctor pretended nothing had happened, and Yaz let her. She was bubbling with forced cheeriness as she piloted them to the sand planet of Sustrinda. They walked along the river of Mona while the Doctor told Yaz all about the history of the planet, and the things she had seen and people she had met the last time she’d visited. </p>
<p>When they found out the people of Sustrinda had captured an alien, of course the Doctor got involved. It was a Vuyama - a tiger-like creature that appeared to be made of jewels. The Sustrindans had captured it like an animal in a zoo, except without a proper habitat, and stripped away from its family. And it was sentient, and it was speaking but the Sustrindans couldn’t understand its language. So it broke out, and it was killing its captors.</p>
<p>The Doctor threw herself into the mix without a moment of hesitation, a scared and dangerous Vuyama on one side and Sustridans with guns on the other side. It was just a scratch, and only barely poisonous. She only passed out for a moment before her body was able to fight off the poison. And they eventually got the Vuyama home, and only a few Sustridans were killed. Honestly, the Doctor wasn’t too broken up about it, after what they did. But no matter.</p>
<p>The Doctor let Yaz pick the next location because she didn’t seem too happy about the trip to Sustrinda. (The Doctor wasn’t sure why; it was a beautiful planet and everything had worked out in the end.) Yaz requested that they go to Earth, in the past.</p>
<p>Of course, <i>of course</i> there were aliens. There always were. It was a bit inconvenient to be captured when she was only trying to negotiate and get them to move their battle off-planet, and it was unfortunate that Yaz had to experience being captured too. But no matter. The Doctor always thought of a way out, and this was no exception.</p>
<p>“Where to next?” the Doctor asked Yaz when they made it back to the TARDIS after their second adventure of the day. She was fiddling with the controls, getting them ready to pilot to another location.</p>
<p>Yaz was silent for too long. The Doctor looked up at her.</p>
<p>“Doctor, I feel like maybe we should take a breather,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“A breather? Like for a little bit, or like we’re done for the day?” asked the Doctor.</p>
<p>“I just feel like,” Yaz hesitated, appearing to choose her words carefully. “The last two trips were kind of dangerous.”</p>
<p>“It’s always dangerous,” said the Doctor. “I can’t promise that you’ll be safe. If you’re worried about that, then-”</p>
<p>“No,” said Yaz. “Dangerous for you.”</p>
<p>The Doctor paused, confused. “What?”</p>
<p>“I feel like you’re not being - like you’re taking too many risks,” said Yaz. </p>
<p>The Doctor wasn’t sure how to respond to that. </p>
<p>“It’s just, not just today but before today,” said Yaz. “I know you’re sleep deprived, and you’re not eating properly, and I’m - I’m just worried about you.”</p>
<p>This was uncomfortable. “You don’t need to be worried,” said the Doctor. “I’m always alright.”</p>
<p>“Until you’re not,” said Yaz. Her voice became stronger, more convicted, as she spoke. “I’m not sure what’s going on with you. I know you’ve had some kind of memory loss - possibly in your childhood - and you’re grieving the loss of your entire planet, and you were in prison but you still haven’t told me for how long, and then there’s River. And you don’t have to talk about any of this with me, but I need you to know that I know things are going on and I am here for you. You don’t have to pretend like everything is okay all of the time, because it’s not.” </p>
<p>The Doctor really, really didn’t like this feeling. Like she was being examined, and someone was collecting all of the things she wanted to bury and bringing them up into the light. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. “It’s personal.” </p>
<p>“That’s okay,” said Yaz. “Fine. But stop pretending everything is okay. Because I can’t handle that anymore.” She got up and started to leave the room.</p>
<p>“Yaz!?” the Doctor called after her, panicked.</p>
<p>Yaz turned back, a glimmer of hope in her eyes.</p>
<p>“Are you - will you still want to go somewhere tomorrow?”</p>
<p>Yaz’s expression hardened. “I’ll go somewhere with you again when you’re really okay and you won’t take unnecessary risks. If you don’t want to talk about it with me, then fine. But talk about it with someone.” Then she turned and left the room.</p>
<p>The Doctor listened to her footsteps trail off, then winced at the slam of a door. Then she sank to the floor. The silence stretched on and on.</p>
<p>
  <i>Contact.</i>
</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>
  <i>Contact.</i>
</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>
  <i>Contact.</i>
</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>The Doctor reached into her pocket and pulled out River’s diary. She turned to the fourth entry she had bookmarked.</p>
<p>
  <i>Dear Sonya,</i>
</p>
<p><i>The University’s on spring break. Come for a visit?</i> </p>
<p>This time the coordinates were just a date and time, not a location. She knew where River lived.</p>
<p>Getting up off the floor, the Doctor plugged in the directions to River’s house. At the last minute, she thought to release the brakes. She could pilot quietly when she really wanted to.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm really excited about chapter 12 :)</p>
<p>also disclaimer, I have not seen classic who but I went on the wiki and I know canon doctor was probably never into blue jello (boy it felt weird writing "blue jelly" in this fanfic because internally I'm like no jelly = jam) but let's just pretend ok</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. timelines and paradoxes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After her fight with Yaz, the Doctor goes to visit River</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>River was making tea in the kitchen when she felt a presence behind her and turned around to see a somewhat dejected-looking Sonya wearing that same ridiculous outfit she always wore. (It was sort of adorable.) “Didn’t hear you arrive,” she said, handing her a cup of tea (seven sugars, she remembered).</p>
<p>“I decided not to leave the brakes on,” said Sonya, accepting the tea.</p>
<p>River laughed. “Glad to see I’m not the only person who knows how to correctly fly the TARDIS.”</p>
<p>Sonya glanced around the room for a moment, as if looking for a conversation topic. “So, spring break,” she said. “Any big plans?”</p>
<p>“Hanging out with my wife,” said River, smiling. “Might grade some papers. I have sixty-two of them left to grade this week, and with a page limit of twenty pages and the fact that none of these students appear to have the ability to be concise, that’s-”</p>
<p>“One thousand, two hundred and forty pages of reading,” said Sonya. So Sonya was quick at math. River wasn’t particularly surprised. </p>
<p>“One of these days the University will actually give me a TA.” River led them back to her living room. “Don’t tell anyone,” she said over her shoulder, “but sometimes I watch TV while I grade papers. The Doctor can never sit still long enough to watch anything, but I was wondering if you’d like to watch something with me.” She was testing the waters, trying to figure out just how similar Sonya was to the Doctor, since supposedly River in the future had married her and they seemed to have a real relationship, so River must have really liked her. (And she was starting to like her already.) </p>
<p>“Sure,” said Sonya. River couldn’t tell if she was being genuine or not, but they sat together on the couch anyway and River turned Star Trek back on to where she’d left off. </p>
<p>“This is an old Earth classic,” River said, trying to watch Sonya’s reaction. “The Doctor would probably hate it, but it’s a nice way to make paper grading less boring. They made this show back before they actually had space travel, so it’s pretty amusing.” </p>
<p>Sonya seemed somewhat amused by the show, and River began grading papers. It wasn’t very long at all - about twenty minutes - before Sonya was asleep, her head gently drifting onto River’s shoulder. (Absolutely adorable.) River pulled a blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over her before going back to grading papers. </p>
<p>River had graded approximately two and a half papers when Sonya began twitching and muttering to herself, clearly having some kind of nightmare. River even felt like she was getting whiffs of fear and anger, like Sonya was somehow projecting her emotions. (Arkinseans couldn’t do that, could they?) “Sonya,” she said, gently shaking her shoulder. “Wake up, you’re-”</p>
<p>Sonya gasped awake suddenly. “River!” she said, grabbing River’s shoulders. </p>
<p>“Yes?” said River, waiting as Sonya woke up the rest of the way.</p>
<p>“Oh,” said Sonya, letting go of River and putting her head in her hands, leaning forward. “Sorry. Nightmares.” </p>
<p>“It’s okay,” River said, tentatively rubbing Sonya’s back. Sonya didn’t react, so she decided it was okay and continued doing it.</p>
<p>Finally, Sonya sat back up. “Sorry I fell asleep,” she said. </p>
<p>“Have you not been sleeping well?” River asked.</p>
<p>Sonya shook her head. “It’s okay though.” She looked exhausted.</p>
<p>“Do you want to talk about the nightmares?” </p>
<p>Sonya shook her head again.</p>
<p>River considered for a moment, then decided to ask. “I have a question,” she said, and waited for Sonya to look at her before continuing. “I don’t mean to intrude or anything, but, I’ve done some research, and just now during your nightmare I think you were projecting your emotions a little bit - I didn’t mean to pick them up, it was just unexpected, because Arkinseans can’t project telepathically across species.”</p>
<p>Sonya didn’t answer, just looked at her with a pained expression.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to tell me what you are,” said River. “But you’re not Arkinsean, are you?”</p>
<p>“I… I honestly don’t know what I am,” Sonya muttered. She took a deep breath. “I recently learned that I came from another universe.”</p>
<p>River’s eyes widened slightly. This was unexpected. “That must be difficult to deal with,” she said. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I… I lived some other life before that I don’t even remember, and then I was made into a child again and fed a lie,” Sonya continued, speaking so quickly her words almost blurred together. “So I don’t know. Anything. And the person who told me the truth - showed me, actually, so I know it’s true - he’s gone. Everyone who could have known about this or could have known what my life was like, before, is gone. And then I was in prison for crimes I apparently committed before. That I don’t remember. So it’s, you know, a lot. And I’m trying to just move on and accept that who I am is the here and now and not some secret past, but sometimes I just don’t feel like I know who I am anymore.” </p>
<p>“Oh, sweetie,” said River - not sure what to make of the look that crossed Sonya’s face when she said ‘sweetie,’ but continuing anyway - “how long have you been dealing with this?”</p>
<p>Sonya’s mouth opened and closed. “Well, I guess since you know I’m not Arkinsean, I can tell you that I’m also not thirty-eight.”</p>
<p>River nodded. Sonya had to be whatever age she was now in addition to a whole other life. Or did she mean she was even older?</p>
<p>“So I found out about all of this, and lost my friend, right before the Judoon caught me, and I was in prison for seventy-eight years before a friend of mine got me out a few months ago.” </p>
<p>Oh. That was longer than River had expected. That meant Sonya was definitely, <i>definitely</i> older than she looked. And she must have committed some serious crimes to be in for that long. “Wow,” said River. “I was only in prison for about eight years, and as much as it sucked, at least I was able to get out from time to time.”</p>
<p>Sonya sighed. “Yeah, this was a bit higher security than Stormcage.”</p>
<p>So Sonya knew about Stormcage. If the prison Sonya had been in was even higher security, it had to be solitary confinement. “I do know how truly horrible solitary confinement is,” she said. “I can’t imagine dealing with it for that long and still being a functional person afterward.” </p>
<p>“It was… not a good time,” said Sonya. </p>
<p>River nodded. Then she remembered something. “Wait, but how did you meet the Doctor then?” Nothing from that story made any sense in context with this new information.</p>
<p>Sonya bit her lip for a moment. “River, I’m trying really hard to very, very carefully tell you something that is true without causing a paradox. I need you to trust me that I can’t tell you the truth about how I met the Doctor. I don’t want to lie to you anymore about it.” </p>
<p>River really tried to trust Sonya, but she still had that nagging fear that something was very wrong.</p>
<p>“I promise that the Doctor is okay,” said Sonya. “I’m not lying about that. I would never lie to you about that.” </p>
<p>“The Doctor would,” said River.</p>
<p>Sonya winced. “Yes he would,” she said. “But I wouldn’t.” </p>
<p>River still wasn’t sure if she could trust this.</p>
<p>“There’s a point,” said Sonya. “I think there’s a point in time when I can tell you everything. But it isn’t now. Right now I just- I just need-” her voice choked up.</p>
<p>River couldn’t take it anymore. She wrapped her arms around Sonya and closed her eyes. “I trust you,” she said. “Even though from my perspective I haven’t known you very long, I know how it feels when someone you love doesn’t love you yet because of timelines, and there are things you desperately want to tell them but you can’t, because you can’t rip the universe apart with a paradox.”</p>
<p>“That’s exactly it,” said Sonya. “Because I love you, River.” </p>
<p>Up until now, River had still been hanging on, subconsciously, to a tiny, unlikely theory that this was a future regeneration of the Doctor. A regeneration past the twelve faces (thirteen if you count the War Doctor, fourteen if you count the part-human clone) that she knew of. That maybe the part-human clone didn’t actually count as a regeneration, and there could be another one. But now she knew. This was not the Doctor. The Doctor was incapable of saying those words. This was someone else, someone new, and someone who she knew was going to become a big part of her life as their timelines continued to cross.</p>
<p>River pulled her head back, touched their foreheads together, and smiled. Sonya was crying. (Happy tears? Hopefully?) “Sonya, I think I’m going to love you too,” she said. “I am so looking forward to getting to know you.”</p>
<p>Sonya’s crying intensified and River wrapped her arms around her again. This was the trouble with timelines and paradoxes. She couldn’t ask, and Sonya couldn’t tell her. She could only hold her.</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>A while later, Sonya stopped crying and they sat together, sort of watching the Star Trek episode that was playing (because they had never turned it off - it was comforting having a background noise going). </p>
<p>And finally, Sonya spoke again. “I had a fight with Yaz,” she said.</p>
<p>River waited for Sonya to continue. She didn’t. “What happened?” River asked.</p>
<p>“She said-” she sighed. “She said I was taking too many risks and that I needed to talk about all this stuff that I never should have mentioned to her in the first place, and that she wouldn’t go anywhere with me until I was ‘really okay,’ as she put it.”</p>
<p>“Is that why you came here?” River asked. Sonya didn’t answer at first. “It’s okay,” said River. “I called you here when I lost my parents, remember?” </p>
<p>“…Yeah,” said Sonya. “And now I’ve talked to someone - as much as I can without major paradoxes, at least - but it’s not like it changes anything.” </p>
<p>“I bet you don’t want to talk to an actual psychologist either,” said River.</p>
<p>“I can’t,” said Sonya. “They wouldn’t understand. There’s no one left <i>to</i> understand.”</p>
<p>River took Sonya’s hands. “Tell me how I can help you,” she said.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” said Sonya.</p>
<p>“I’ve done some research on ways to recover memories,” said River. “It hasn’t worked for me, but if your memory was removed in a different way, one of the methods I’ve found could work.”</p>
<p>“I doubt it,” said Sonya. “But thank you. I have to think about… I have to think about the possibility that I don’t want the memories, if they’re too horrible.”</p>
<p>River nodded. She could understand that. “You just let me know if you ever want me to look into it,” she said. “What about prison? We could commiserate over that.”</p>
<p>“Being trapped with my own thoughts for so long, I got really good at hallucinating my friends to talk to,” Sonya said, half smiling. “I hallucinated you.”</p>
<p>“I know you before prison?” River asked. It made sense, though, considering how well Sonya seemed to know her. More than a few months’ worth of visits.</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t have said that,” said Sonya. “Spoilers. Forget about it.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” said River. Something to look forward to, then. Pre-prison Sonya. She’d have to be more careful and make sure she knew where Sonya was in her timeline. And then not warn her that she’d be spending seventy-eight years in prison. And not rescue her either, apparently, since someone else had done that. Unless that other friend was actually River. “Just checking,” said River. “The person who rescues you - it isn’t me?”</p>
<p>“No, it’s… It’s Captain Jack. I don’t think you knew I was in prison.”</p>
<p>River’s eyebrows rose. “So you mean to tell me that <i>two</i> of my husbands know you.”</p>
<p>“You could say that I’m very entangled in your life,” said Sonya. “But you’re still near the beginning of our time together. And don’t talk to him about it.”</p>
<p>“Spoilers,” River understood. “Wow.” She glanced at the clock. “Are you hungry?” she asked. She looked back at Sonya when she didn’t respond. “What is it?”</p>
<p>“My appetite’s been sort of off lately,” said Sonya. </p>
<p>“There’s a restaurant near here that serves fried ice cream,” said River. She’d guessed Sonya was a fan of sweets, and appeared to have guessed correctly. </p>
<p>Sonya was smiling for a moment, then her smile disappeared, and she glanced at the TARDIS. </p>
<p>“Do you want to go talk to Yaz first, and see if she wants to come?” River asked.</p>
<p>“Is that okay?” asked Sonya. “I don’t want to- I know you asked me here-” </p>
<p>“I don’t mind sharing my wife,” said River, smiling. </p>
<p>“Okay,” said Sonya, standing up. “I will. Go talk to Yaz. It’ll be fine. Totally fine.”</p>
<p>“Do you want me to come with?” River asked, concerned.</p>
<p>“No,” said Sonya. “I need to go on my own and apologize. But thanks. I’ll be back soon.”</p>
<p>“Take your time,” said River. “I’ll be grading papers.”</p>
<p>Sonya nodded, then entered the TARDIS.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey y'all,<br/>this has been a super terrible week but I really enjoyed writing this chapter and I hope you like it :)<br/>pls leave all the comments thanks</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. friendship/love/warmth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Doctor goes to talk to Yaz.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As quietly as possible, the Doctor entered the TARDIS. She could feel that the TARDIS was concerned about her. “Please take me to Yaz,” she whispered, and began down a corridor. </p>
<p>Although she could feel that the TARDIS was sympathetic, the TARDIS did not take her to Yaz. When she found herself in the same corridor for the third time, she realized that Yaz must have wanted to be left alone. “Yaz?” she called out into the corridors. “Please talk to me?”</p>
<p>There was no response. The Doctor slid to the ground and sat against the side of the corridor. She was so good at pushing them away. Hadn’t she wanted to be lighter, happier this regeneration? <i>Remember - hate is always foolish, and love is always wise. Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind.</i> Hadn’t she wanted to be more open? She’d been afraid. Closed off. Afraid of losing them. But she was always going to lose them. <i>Timeless child. Infinite. Abandoned in the dark.</i> </p>
<p>And then she’d tried to tell herself that she was protecting Yaz. Protecting her from what Martha had experienced. <i>It got complicated. And that was all my fault. I just want a mate</i>. But River was right. Back then, she’d just lost Rose. This was different. And she wasn’t sure that pushing Yaz away was really the way to protect her from getting hurt.</p>
<p>“Yaz? You were right,” she said, hoping Yaz could hear her, wherever she was. The TARDIS would either broadcast her voice or not. “Everything you said was right.” </p>
<p>After another long moment, a nearby door opened and Yaz emerged. Her eyes were just slightly red around the edges and she had changed into what looked like comfier clothes than what she’d had on before. Slowly, she sat on the floor across the corridor from the Doctor. </p>
<p>The Doctor bit her lip for a moment, considering what to say. “I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away. It just-” she took a shaky breath, trying not to start crying again.</p>
<p>“Hurts too much when people leave?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>The Doctor nodded, avoiding her gaze and blinking rapidly to try to prevent tears. She had more to say, but she needed to get her her pounding hearts and shaking hands under control.</p>
<p>“I know it’s not fun having people worried about you,” said Yaz. “I’ve been there. It’s just that I really, really care about you.”</p>
<p>The Doctor nodded, her hearts warming a little. Then something clicked. “Were you sleeping, just now?”</p>
<p>“Not really,” said Yaz. She yawned. “It is late though, I think.”</p>
<p>“I went to visit River and now it’s dinner time,” said the Doctor. “I was coming to see if you wanted dinner. With me and River.”</p>
<p>“Wait, hang on,” said Yaz. “Yes, if it means you’re going to eat something besides biscuits, I’ll come with you. But can we talk first? Talk for real?”</p>
<p>The Doctor took a deep breath, then released it. “What do you want me to say?” she asked.</p>
<p>Yaz pondered the question for a moment before answering. “Why are you throwing yourself into danger?” she asked.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” said the Doctor. That wasn’t entirely true. “There’s just, so much. And I’m so tired of losing everyone. On Gallifrey - I wasn’t a fan of the Time Lords, but they weren’t all terrible. They didn’t deserve to die. There were children there! And I’m angry. I’m <i>really</i> angry, with the Time Lords, for what they did to me. But turning the Time Lords into Cybermen was… horrific. And the Master has never stayed dead before, but this time I think he really is, like he really got the last word. So I can’t even - I can’t even-” Her hands had curled into fists. She couldn’t talk to <i>him</i> about it. She just had to live with this rage for the rest of eternity. She didn’t want it.</p>
<p>“That’s… that is really horrific,” said Yaz. “And I know it won’t help to say I’m sorry, since I can’t do anything to make it better. But Doctor, what did they do to you?”</p>
<p>The Doctor was silent for a long time, staring off into space.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to talk about it, I’m sorry,” said Yaz, when the silence stretched for too long.</p>
<p>The Doctor still didn’t respond for another long moment. “Do you remember the dream? With the children,” she said. “And I said it was just one child, and you asked if it was someone I lost, and I said it was myself.” </p>
<p>Yaz nodded.</p>
<p>The Doctor finally looked directly at Yaz. “It was me. The timeless child. Came to this world from another universe, with the ability to regenerate my body, possibly infinite times, and they - that’s how the Time Lords got the ability to regenerate. From me. But they erased my memory and gave me a new childhood.” </p>
<p>Yaz opened her mouth to respond, but the Doctor continued.</p>
<p>“The Master was <i>so</i> angry that a piece of me was inside him, but I think he was angry <i>for</i> me, too. I told myself I was done seeing any good in him, seeing in him the potential to change, after the last time he betrayed me. But even after all this, I just… I keep thinking about how we used to be friends.”</p>
<p>“I think,” said Yaz, after the Doctor had fallen silent, “it’s okay to feel that way. And it’s important to take time to grieve.”</p>
<p>The Doctor shook her head. “I already had prison for that. I’ve had enough grief. I just want to be done. Done grieving, and done losing people.”</p>
<p>“How long was it?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>“Too long,” said the Doctor. “Can we have dinner now?”</p>
<p>“One more thing,” said Yaz. “Can I join you over there?”</p>
<p>After a moment, the Doctor nodded. Yaz scooted across the hall to sit next to the Doctor and laid her head on the Doctor’s shoulder, putting her hand palm-up, an invitation. The Doctor laced her fingers through Yaz’s.</p>
<p>“I just want you to know,” said Yaz, gently squeezing the Doctor’s hand, “that although I have no idea what it’s like to experience what you’ve experienced, I do know how awful it feels to have people pity you. And I would never do that to you. I will never look at you differently or treat you differently based on the stuff you’ve gone through. Because you’re my friend, and I love you.” </p>
<p>The Doctor sighed softly, then lifted Yaz’s hand to lightly kiss her knuckles. “Dinner now?” she asked, glancing over at Yaz, who appeared to possibly be blushing.</p>
<p>“Yeah… let me just change out of my pajamas.”</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>When the Doctor and Yaz left the TARDIS, River was still grading papers. She glanced up at them and smiled. “Ready for dinner?” she asked.</p>
<p>“More of a midnight snack for me,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>“That’s their specialty!” said River, standing up. “It’s actually called the Midnight Snack Diner, and it’s just a couple blocks form here.”</p>
<p>“I was promised fried ice cream,” the Doctor said to Yaz. “What?” she said when Yaz looked unamused. “It’s not a biscuit.”</p>
<p>“Okay, but maybe a side to the ice cream that has something in it besides sugar?” Yaz asked.</p>
<p>“Dairy is a source of protein,” said River brightly.</p>
<p>“Yes!” said the Doctor. “See, Yaz? Protein.” </p>
<p>“And calcium,” added River, leading them out the door. </p>
<p>Yaz looked exasperated.</p>
<p>“My bones don’t actually use calcium,” said the Doctor, “but still, it is a nutrient.” </p>
<p>“A nutrient that you don’t even use!” said Yaz. </p>
<p>River laughed and offered her hand to the Doctor. The Doctor took River’s hand in her left hand and reached for Yaz’s hand with her right. </p>
<p>The Doctor felt so light in that moment, with two people she loved, heading toward fried ice cream, whatever that was. </p>
<p>—</p>
<p>At the restaurant, the Doctor caved and had a side of waffles with her fried ice cream. The waffles even had berries on them. She and Yaz were sitting across the table from River, who was feasting on bacon cheese fries and telling stories of the Doctor between fries. Yaz had ordered greek yogurt with granola and berries and was eagerly eating up River’s stories.</p>
<p>After they left the restaurant and were walking back to River’s place, they heard the familiar sound of the TARDIS materializing. </p>
<p>“Ah, I suppose that’s our cue to head out,” said the Doctor. “Don’t want to spoiler the Doctor before he’s met us.”</p>
<p>River sighed dramatically. “If you’re sure.”</p>
<p>“Unfortunately,” said the Doctor, turning to hug River tightly. River was surprised for only a moment before she hugged her back. “Love you,” the Doctor whispered into River’s ear, feeling a little thrill at having said it again so soon. Then she grabbed Yaz’s hand and pulled her into River’s home and into the TARDIS, which she piloted into the time vortex before the other TARDIS had even opened its door.</p>
<p>Then she stood at the controls, staring into the center of the console. There was so much she wanted to say to River, so much she <i>couldn’t</i> say, and so little time left.</p>
<p>Gently, Yaz wrapped her hands around one of the Doctor’s. “You okay?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Always.”</p>
<p>“Me neither,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>The Doctor looked at her in surprise. “What’s wrong?” she asked.</p>
<p>“My friend is sad and there’s nothing I can do to make it better,” said Yaz.</p>
<p>The corners of the Doctor’s mouth twitched upwards slightly. “Do you want to see the Zephyrus exploding nebula?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” said Yaz, as several blankets conspicuously shot out from the walls and the console produced two steaming cups of hot cocoa.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” the Doctor whispered to the console as she piloted them to Zephyrus. </p>
<p><i>Friendship/love/warmth</i> the TARDIS said back.</p>
<p>The Doctor just smiled, and carried the hot cocoa over to Yaz. “Thanks for being my friend,” she said. </p>
<p>“Always.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry it took me so long to write this chapter! </p>
<p>basically it was really hard to decide what to write.. and also the religious holiday happened and I was hired to play six church services (i'm a musician), and also I had a paper due and also I have my first ever oral argument lol (i'm also in law school) but everything is under control and hopefully the next chapter will be easier to write :)  there's going to be ✨plot✨ in the next part!!</p>
<p>as always, thank you all for the comments, I crave the validation</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>if you liked this, please leave a comment! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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